Fallen Angel

Boys suck

Wed, 25 May 2005 00:44:32 GMT

I swear alot on here but usually when I write on here I'm upset or stressed soo I tend to swear more. Kari I dunno If you even read my journal anymore but I would like you to tell me exactly and trufully what you think of me. YOu already lied to my face and when I approched you about it the conversation didn't really go anywhere. The fact that you wanted Kat to come and she said you have me and You made that face, That really hurt me and I know you probabily think I'm really sensative but you know whaI have a fucking right to be sensitive sometimes. If you truly believed that you told me about pictures at your house then you would have said that me and Kat are coming over to your house for pictures..there is no way in hell u would have forgotten about me if u said you thought you told me...I'm not being mean just stating the truth..I can't approuch you about anything because you just don't understand..When i'm clearly looking for help I can't count on you because you don't understand..don't feel bad, my own family doesn't understand me, nobody does..I am alone in this world, doomed to forever wander alone. Kari please don't take offence and if you do then i guess thats how u take it.

Why can't I find a good guy, one where I can totally be myself around..If I knew who myslef was. I want to find a guy who Is nice and understand and who I am nice and understanding back too..All I've ever know in relationships is abuse..every kind of abuse..That is all I know, All i have really seen...It's no wonder I am mean to some people who are half decent to me...I don't know how to accept kind treatment, it's foreign to me..sooI get scared and either make fun of the person or hit, flick or whatever. I keep finding guys who remind me of a certain someone in one way or another...Is it just me am I afriand to find a good guy or a guy who is different or do they actually remind me of this one person ...This one person who has consumed my life, my soul and my heart..I don't know if that is fair to say..I have freed myself in some ways but am still caught in others...

Every girl wants a man
that she can go to in her sweats,hair a mess
make up running down her face
eyes red from crying
and the first thing he says to her is,
"Baby, you're beautiful,"
and means it.

Wow Long time

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 18:51:09 GMT

Maybe I should start writing in here more often. Writing in a journal, any journal really helps. I have been feeling really sick lately. I have been stressing over somethings..This is my vacation I should be relaxin but noo a coupel of guys are getting me all stressed. Also I've been feeling light headed and sick to my stomach and I'm not really sure as to why. Anyways back to this boy sitch...

So I've been talking to David lately and planning to go to grad and come see him at his new house..but I decided that I wasn't going to sneek around my parents anymore...sooo I told them what was going on. David has changed, not a big change, but still a change is a change and a step in the right direction...My mom didn't really believe me so she suggested I tell David that I told her what was going on and tell him that I can't go to grad and see how he responds. Knowing my mom she was sure David would get mad, start bad mouthing her, and try to convince me to go to grad anyways..proving that he had not changed. Well, David was totally understanding and didn't bad mouth my mom or try to convince me to go..he was all like "I understand don't worry about it" proving that he has changed, like I said a small change is still a change. So, I told her what happened and I could see that she was shoked right and I knew isntantly that she thought he would act in his timley way and that pissed me off that she was so judgemental. I understand that she can't forgive him right but holding a grudge isn't healthy and when I tolf her that she said she wasn't...she so totally is. And because I got mad she automatically blamed my "attitude" on David and that PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE!!!!!! NO ONE IS RESPONSABLE FOR MY FEELINGS OR ACTIONS..NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL SAD, I FEEL SAD BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING believe me there is a difference..our emotions are our own no one can make us feel a certain way..we feel a certain way based on how we take things. Something that is upsetting to one person isn't necessarily upsetting to another. It had nothing to do with David why i was pissed it was the way I was taking my mother insinuations. I felt offended and angered by them. Thats the short version of the whole David thing but it basically explains everything.

Another guy has been kinda getting on my neveres lately and I find myself feeling angery and stressed when he calls for the second time in one day....like honestly I didn't want to talk to you befor so why are you phoning now. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING SPACE BEFOR I EXPLODE!!! thank you. So, far he hasn't called today..maybe he got the point...no offence he is a nice guy but I can't hang out with him for days in a row or talk to him evryday on the phone.

Okay so the other guy I really like and he did ask me out or was heading in that direction...he has asked me out before and I agreeded but then like 2 days later, I think, he broke up with me cuz we didn't live that close to each other. And when he was talking bout going out this time that same point came up. Sometimes I think he's only asking me out or pretending to so that I won't tell him to fuck off or not hang with him anymore. I think I'm prob just a sex toy to this guy...I dunno tho cuz it seems that way with every guy..even the virgins...it's crazy. I just don't know what to do. WTF

Theres this other guy that I used to like and still kinda do but I don't see him that much and I wish I could..that all i'm gunna say bout him cuz I don't want to give away who he is.

Theres one more thing I would like to say...my mom and Dad had problems and were going to get divorced..I know my dad wasn't anywhere near as bad as David was but the point is my dad changed and my parents are still together. I'm not saying that me and david are going to get together what I'm saying is my mom loves my dad and forgave him and well I still love David and have forgiven him sooo like WTF.

But I gottsa go now sooo I guess that all I needed to get off my chest..holy crap it says how queer in the nightmare befor x-mas..I never realized that.....
Later dayz

What should I do, What should I be

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 05:27:13 GMT

I still don't know what I want or am going to do after high school. I have already taken the step to go into the program "student for a day" at the University of Lethbridge. I'll be taken a bus there on my own on Thursday and the program on Friday. Taking a bus on my OWN, what the hell I"ve never taken a bus anywhere and alone. I'm kinda scared..it just hit me today that soon I won't be in high school anymore..I'll prob lose touch with alot of my friends and soon I'll be moving out on my own. Whats wores is I don't know what I want to be or do after high school. There is soo many interest that I could explore but finding what is right for me is going to be a challange. I can't be as imature as I have been in the past and there is going to have to be less imature moments. I'm in grade 12 and already semester one is over I made it, I suvived. I need to really bring up my maturity level. I will still have my moments but not as many. Paris and Nicole can afford to be imature and do all the shit they do..I however, cannont. I just don't know I really need to sit down look through all my options, consider them all and try to make a choice. It isn't like I will be stuck with whatever I choice I can change it and all but I do need to decide something so I can move forward.

If I go to the university of Lethbridge I won't be at home anymore. What if I get home sick..soo I need to get my license soon if I do go to school outside calgary. Maybe I'll go to mount royal or sait or the UofC. I dunno I guess we'll see what happens with this connections program at the UofL. It just seems so quick. I feel like I was in grade 11 just yesterday, and the fisrt sem just went past. Tomorrow I start the second semester of my last year in High School. Goodbye mornings and afternoons in the asylum. Goodbye walking around crescent playing games with Kari during my spares. Goodbye bugging the grade 10's and 11's.

I doubt this will happen with my grandma sick but me and my mom were going to habe a road trip and drive across Canada to Ontario(I think ^.^) after High school. We might have driven one way and taken a plane the other way or take the plane both or drive both. That would have been so fun. Seeing canada, and seeing cute boy in the diff provinces ^.^ lol jkjk... Naw it'd be fun just to drive across Canada with my mom. Maybe get to talk about her childhood and dads childhood.

I found out today that my dad only met his mom like once or a couple of times. He didn't live with her and doesn't kow her. We got this Cd from my dad's mom's side and he does'nt know anyone on that side except his uncle that he met once I think. I want to learn more about my dads life.I know that he did live in foster homes and I think by himself but I don't really know all that much.

I guess that is all for now back to school..goobye sitting on my ass and doind nothing but going to the mall and sleeping in(well not really I was constantly being woken up early except one day)

Later dayz

Have you ever

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 03:28:15 GMT

You know what I noticed today, I start most of my essays and jornal entries with a question. Like have you ever imagined you were someone other than who you are..basically everyone has. But how many of thoses people want it so bad to become a reality that it almost does become their reality and theylose sight of who they really are. How bout this one, you meet someone who you really like but you know that you can't be together. I get this often...RAGE because alot of the thing I dream about are impossible that I wish i didn't dream about them but then it would suck if i didn't have those dream..talk about you contradictions... I don't know what to do..

I really should figure out what it is that I want to do after high school, it is coming quite close to the end....I have to admit I am a scared, it seem like forever that i've been in high school and well a part of me is going to miss it..I however don't feel alone in the whole uncertainty of after high school plans.

I don't really have much to say..what I really need is someone to talk to, not about anything particilar just talk to..have a real conversation with...

I mostly wonder if how i act is really who i am..how can you tell..what if I'm a completly different person? Would people still like me or be my firends if I was any different..would I like myself better, less or the same if I was different.

You know what also sucks..love...I'm not sure if i really love this guy or not..I think it's love because I do want to be with even though people say he's bad for me. Maybe it's just beasue he manipulated the fact that no one will ever love me like he did..maybe that true and I do really truly love this guy. I got a heart disoconnection from him but I still think about him alot and talk about him too. Maybe I wasn't ready to..or don't want to or maybe that a sign...man I dunno...What I do know is this is tearing me up inside. I hide it well..I think i do..I dunno if people see it and just don't ask or if they don't see it at all. Everyday a little peice of me dies and it lost forever some days I don't even notice it.

I don't even know who i am so how can i notice if i lose a peice of myself...I don't even notice what i'm think sometimes..not going to go into that too complictaed for even myself to comprehend.

There are various things..careers that i would like to dabble in... 1)Dance..dance teacher, choreographer,dancer 2) A writer of some kind not exactly sure of what, 3)Kinsologist, 4) firefighter, 5) interior designer, umm thats all I can think of right now. ohoh a fun job would be a hitwomen..mahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha NRA Here I Come!!!!!

Shallow

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 22:01:13 GMT

Why should we worry about what we look like..isn't it what's on the inside that counts...not in this world...unless you have know a person for many years then it's what is on the outside that attracts a person to another...oh and heres the real kicker...If your too good lookig you intimidae people soo their all like he/she is way too good looking for me to talk to..or so and so won't talk to me their're way too good looking to see me...maybe not exactly like that in all cases but in many that is how it goes.

Like my family..perfection is what is encourage but never practiced...I mean the sterotype perfection...make no mistakes, be good looking..perfect. Thing is noone in my family is like that but they expect the next generation to be. My mother get soo pissed at me for making a mistake, forgetting something..I never feel like i was ever good enough for her or my father..or anyone... I'd get like a 92% on something and usually the first thing is hwrers the other 8%. Sometimes it's a joke but do we really joke about anything that we aren't atleast a bit sincear about. I gave up...I couldn't take it...yeah i could probabily do really good in math and school all together if i really focused. I had such an easy time focusing in school in elementary and junior high because i didn't have a social life. In grade 10 i had kasey, chris and david...now each year it changes..I don't really have a big social life this year..but y bother trying. Right about now i could give to shits....and even now my mother keeps bothering me about my midterm mark...LIKE FUCK OFF!!I"LL GIVE YOU THE MARK WHAT I GET IT!!!!!! I told her i'd gat marks for test that i took on friday..she starts asking me for my mid-term test mark..I DON"T HAVE IT YET U DUMB BITCH!!!!! Oh and get this she says"u said u'd have it on friday" NOOO I SAID I'D HAVE OTHER TEST!!!!!!!!!! and she gets mad at me for not listning...u don't do it either u fucking hipppacritt..soo y don't u leave me the fuck alone..I've already decided I"m not gunna start trying..I don't even know if i would do better if i did try I highly doubt it. I should be doing good in school for me and not my parents..THe only reason i did good in school was so my parents wouldn't split and yes i do know that it wouldn't have mattered..but at the time they didn't get a divorce soo I thought it was because i was doing good in school..can u blame me for thinking that??
It wouldn't have mattered anyways..I hardly see my dad now...today was the longest time I spent in the same room with him in a while, we were watching harry potter..the third one.
I don't even know if I want to go to university or collage...My math is slipping and I have no motivation..I'd get eaten alive..I dunno..I really don't.School for me is more important to my mother than it is for me.

Why Bother?

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 06:33:22 GMT

Why the fuck should I bother anymore. I'll grow old and die alone and I'll be happy too. Enough with this love bullshit. Some grow up sheltered from the real world while that same shit happens in our own homes but we don't know that it's wrong.

After seeing it happen with two generations..u accept alcholism and abuse..It seems right, it fits cuz it's what u grew up with. I should have stayed with one specific person, not nameing names..It what i knew..It doesn't matter if things have changed in that family and now u know it's wrong and a bad relationship for u..it doesn't matter..as a child it was imprinted in our brain that this is how couples should fuction and it feelsright..it fits...

This theory might not be for all but i do know it accounts to me..y else would i keep getting into the same relationships, it fits...sometimes i don't realized that they are the same god damm thing as b4 soo i think this one will be different for sure.

People yell and bitch at me..It's your own fault u keep getting yourself into these things..u know what yeah i do cuz it's what feel right to me, I grew up with this idea and it's imprited into my head whether I know it's wrong or right...All I wanted was someone to offer support and maybe listen, is that so much to ask of a friend? I dunno maybe it is, people have their own shit to deal with and don't need mine right..lucky me i take on others shit and my own..y I'm not to sure y I'm like that...I'm so used to playing the mother role, i used to take on that responsibility when I was young with my own family and now i guess i take it on alomost naturally.

Now i fucked up again..said something that shouldn't have been said at all..I don't even know if i'm getting myself into the same old things or not, I pretty sure i'm not but I just don't know anymore(no offence to anyone) To be tossed away like yesterdays garbage is the worst feeling in the world but to say something and it turn out to be the wrong thisng to say is beautiful..The other person should lie bout anything that would be the utmost worst thing in the world, well may one of the top ones anyways

I'm primara and I'm wondering..how do we know we were ment to be on this earth, what if a mistke was made and certain people weren't ment to be born...

Falling deep into a hole I cannot get out of

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 02:57:21 GMT

I feel sick, my stomach is in knots
My head is spinning
I can't breath
What is this feeling
I can't tell If it's good or bad

I feel like I could die and forever be happy
I dream of thing that shouldn't
Do I hope for this or do I worry it will come to be

Only hope can come now, but
I feel as though I have nothing to hope for.
I wish to be alone, yet I'm afraid to be alone

I cry and hope that things will be over soon
I can't stand to be in this world, but I can't leave
Many contadictions lie here
A world that isn't cannot be

A person is only one to the world but
to another they are the world
the other sometimes cannot see this
They go about everyday life obliviouse to the fact that
there is someone who would give up life itself to save them

People want what they can't have
and shun what is their's to keep
They do not see what they have
but see it as nothing
Dirt on the ground
that they step on

Days pass and people still don't see
months pass and still...nothing
Years fly by and reconition is taken
when it's to late
Time has aged, gone by

Time doesn't stop for the obliviouse
It only passes faster
You need to seize life by the belt
rip it off and see the wonders and pains it can bring

Open pandora's box
Be filled with happeness and sadness
Feel love and absolute hate
Warmth and the bitter cold
Violence and security
Feel and experience it all

Learn the lessons
Make the mistakes
Take smart risks
don't be afraid
to take that leap
forward
And have what might have been turn into
what is or what was

The hardest thing is to see what could have been turn into
what never was and never will be.

Trends and Friends(tribute to orry LOL)

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 04:27:45 GMT

I'm Sam and I'm wondering, Have your ever felt like your friends are never there for you but your always there for your friends. Or how trend come and go but sometings last forever, even if it starts out as a trend. Friends don't always last forever but your absolute favorrite animal or flower seems to.

I understand that my friends have their own problems and don't need mine but even if they listen at me and let me talk. I have my own problems yet I listen to theirs and try my best to help. That rule about "treat others how you want to be treated" may work in elementary school but in Junior high, high school and the real world, it measn dick. If you treat someone nice and with respect that doesn't nesisarily mean they will treat you the same, so why bother teach this bullshit of treat other how you want to be treated in elementary school. "What comes around goes around" atleast that does apply and happens sometimes nowadays. I dunno and this whole love thing, maybe it is just a grown up version of santa clause or the tooth fairy, maybe not.

Thats another thing...yu wonder why there are so many liers and why lying is sooo, what's the word, exersized because as children we were lied to about many things. Santa clause, tooth fairy, easter bunny, love, life being all happy and nice. All of it's bullshit. Life is hard and you need to try and deal with it..maybe their wouldn't be soo much depressin if as kids we knew a bit of what to expect. Not make our childhoods a bummer but you know basically stuff like life isn't all perfect...

Think of the wolf, in fact all the villins in those stories, They didn't live happily ever after did they. Without them those stories would be boring, they'd be nothing...

Once upon a time there was a princess named snow white, she was the fairest in the land, she married a prince whom she loved, they lived happily ever after.

wow that sucked. And hwrere does that stupid bitch get off being the fairest in the land..how do they know there isn't some other girl who's worse off than snow white who's fairer huh? And again more lies..They lived happily ever after..well the villins didn't did they, the witch died(atleast we were exposed to death) And what bout the urban legends about their being sex in disney movies...exposure to that too..but what we don't get exposer too is the fact that their are assholes who are a busive and pyscotic chicks who we have to watch out for and not get involved with...

By the way for some of the stories I"m rooting for the villin's. Why can't they win...The witch coulda make snow white ugly. I wonder if her presiouse prince woulda married her then. HA! That's another thing...those movies and stories promote being beautiful(skinny, clear skin, nice perfect ass, perfect tits) well some do..the three little pigs doesn't..heehee curly tail..curly, straigh, curly..... Wow did i ever go off topic..oh well

Later dayz

The bewitching hour nears

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 04:06:35 GMT

Ever fear what the person on the other end of the convo is going to say. Your worried that you don't even want to know but then your kinda glad you did check because it wasn't exactly what you thought you would hear, and that makes you smile. I just had that happen to me tonight. I don't really know what going to happen,sometimes that a good thing, sometimes bad. You fear the unkown but get off on the thrill. Human nature is strange that way. we are mostly driven on emotions, sex drive and energy..if that makes sence to anyone. Like when your talking to a person you really like,and u feel like you're gunna pass out and your stomach is in knots..sometimes you can't even be around that person without getting toung tied or blushing. This is the kind of stuff i have to avoid. Many people have'nt see me toung tied or all blushing or even all girly. Plus If i'm gunna be in the haunted house I need to be creepy,not girly lol : }

Anyways, The night of the dead aka halloween is almost near. Can't wait my costume is gunna be streniouse but awsome none the less. And my halloween party's gunna be great, I hope lol. I gotta call peeps morrow and see if they coming. hmm what am i gunna do if people(guys) can't crash at my place i dunno
oh well I'll plan everything to make sure it'll go well..not smothly(what fun is that) but well.

Hmm i guess thats all
I'm question mark and I'm wondering..... RFR ROCKS...ROBBIE IS AWSOME!!

Only Hope

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 02:09:12 GMT

I just don't know anymore. I heard some interesting things from Felicia that I must check out with Char. I don't want to say to much until It's all checked out but I do need to talk to Char pretty bad, cuz I have some of my own musings erking me. Hmmmm, I'm so depressed I feel as though I could kill myself this very moment. I need isolation from the world, I feel it know but somehow it's not whole. I don't know, maybe I need help...I told my mom that I wanted to make my councelling appointment earlier than friday for two reasons. Reason one: I wanted to have a sleepover with Char and hang with her that day. Reason two: I really need to see her quick, fast and in a hurry. I really need to talk to someone, that I can truly trust and who I feel is really listning to me, not at me but to me.

What the fuck is wrong with me, Why is it that I feel this way. I really don't care bout school or even want to be there or do school work. I'm soo sad, depressed and confused.

Thank You!

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 02:58:33 GMT

Thank You sooooo much Jason for not letting me quite dance and cheering me up. I will not let Miss.B get to me morrow, I will dance the very best that I can, and that all that anyone can ask for. I'm not perfect at dancing, But I know I have a true passion for it, and I am not willing to quite because of one bitch of a teacher who thinks she all that. NEWSFLASH, Your not at some big fancy ballet company, YOUR A TEACHER!! Which actually wouldn't be a bad job if teaching and dancing is what you liked to do.

I just fininshed my 5th count of 8 and i know it..but i still havat pracyice a bit, which I will as soon as I'm done here. Anyways. I keep coming up with these neat Ideas, either by making un of somthing saying "I should put this in my dance" and I actually should cuz it would look good. Or I make up stuff just by folling around/having fun, and dancing off the top of my head.

"I'm question mark and I'm wondering"..Why do some people take their significant others back..I mean I can understand that sometimes yes..they can be forgivin..but other times the stuff they do is or almost is unforgivable.

Sorry I wonder that alot cuz I took back a guy who did the worst things to me. I do owe him a little though. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be able to reconize some of the crappy realtionships, well all the crappy realtionships I've been in. AND well I still love him, I know I know, i shouldn't but I can't help it. Immature or not He was my first love. I did a couple of crappy things to him..but the other things that he thinks are crappy that i did, were done purly on my own gut feeling and instinct that I actually follwed. And when I was with him I did alot of crappy thing to my family and some friends. Not good..Family is forever and will always be there for you..well untill some of em dies but then you have another family..Ok Ok that sounded kinda mean but it's true.

Anyways..thats all...........Later dayz : )

Be brave, stand up for what you beleive in?

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 05:00:31 GMT

I'm not quiting dance. I might be discoraged, but just like Fefe Dobson I will keep striving to reach my goal. I want to blow Miss.B away with my performing talent. I have it but I tend to get shy and nervous. I dunno, I'm still going to go into the dance show..it'll be alot of work but I think i can do it. I get to take self-defence lessons from paz on tuesday YAYAYAYYAYAYAYYA!!!!!!!!!!!!! : ) He's such an awsome guy and friend..he helped me get some of my self-esteem back over the summer but I still have quite a way to go.
I have such awsome friends. Stu really cheered me up today, and Jason cheered me up yeterday. Stu's my best friend..he'll listen to everything I have to say, even if it's about girly stuff(not going into further detail) I haven't talked to him bout it yet but when i mentioned it as something he wouldn't listen to, he said he would..I'm seriouse he would, It's funny.

I'm stuck on my 5th count of 8, it's pissing me off, I don't know i have a block or something..oh well..no matter how sucky I am I know I have my friends and family's support, that all that matters.

There one person who I beleive, when they say I'm pretty/beautiful and that cuz they say those words. My family has to say it. Otherz use the term sexy..thats a commliment to but it doesn't have as much effect as the word beautiful or pretty.

Hmm thats alll so yeah.

Worthless

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 02:36:50 GMT

Have you ever felt like your worthless, or that you didn't want to do anything but be in a dark corner by yourself and shut out the world. I'm question mark and I'm wondering..kidding. Anyways My mom keeps finding these new head problems that relate to my problem..you know what my problems are..I'm depressed all the time(really good at hiding it) and I'm a pysco path pyro. I do strange and pyscotic things, I'm sidistic and I love fire. It's so intreiging and beautiful.

I'm a choreographer for the dance show, I don't know if i'll be able to do it. I might get shy and nervouse when I'm teaching my dance and do the wrong step or completely mess up..people will be folling me, doing what i do..ahhh okok happy thoughs I can do this confidence.
I don't feel like doing anything I just want to get something to drink and go to bed..I can't focuse on my homework. oh well..I don't feel like doing a spell check so if anything is wrong DEAL WITH IT!

I guess that all, I don't know why but I can't get everything off my chest.

Dazed and confused

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 22:52:47 GMT

I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I want to cease living. Otherz times, actually that how I've been feeling lately. Stu is no longer with Robyn, which is sad and good all at the same time. If she couldn't trust him, then whats the point of being with a person you don't trust??? I"m not trying tobe rude, actually I shouldn't say anything..I've only heard from Stu what she like..I don't know how the interacted sooo yeah. Things have changed major in school..many things, I'm not really going to discuss them, but I seem to be the entertainment in the den..Hey let's all pick on Sam whoooo.

I just got back from lethbridge today, and I might go to a bonfire at a friends house, that is if he calls. Either he'll forget or not want me there if he doesn't call. I just don't know though. I have a couple of people to talk to on Monday..oh oh and I got Kat's present on Friday..It's soooo cool. I got a fuzzy kitty for myself and the movie Utena, Revolutionary Girl. Not going to lend that out, cuz It's really hard to fing and really expensive as well. That movie doesn't leave the house without me attached to it..lol.

Hmmmmm There were somethings I was going to talk bout, but I really don't feel like it.
oh and I'm aware the song that I have written down, makes me a losor but I don't care cuz I love it

I'm a stupid dumbass idiot and that will never change!!!!

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 02:22:57 GMT

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friend... I've discovered something today, I'm a fucking dumb ass idiot. everybody says Math 30 pure is easy, I don't get it. It doesn't click in my head, I kinda wonder how the hell I passed 10 and 20 pure. Being in the smart class doesn't make you smart. Even my own 20 pure teacher commented that i was an idiot, maybe she was right and I'm not suppose to be in pure, hell applied might even be to hard for me. I didn't know how to do the simplest things and still don't..everyone laughs at the questions I ask and when I don't understand things in math, they laugh, the laugh at my ignorance, my stupidity.

I'm so stupid I even keep things bottled inside me until I burst and say the wrong things. Kari, I don't know If you'll read this or not, but I'm going to try and say this to your face. The fact of the matter is that I didn't mean it's a shitty relationship but maybe If we are best friends, you should try to get a hold of me too, so I can feel like you care and want to hang out with me. I used to be the one who people call to hang with but as I met new people who were like me in that aspect I learned to call them. It should be 50/50 Kinda like a relationship. Also maybe I should explain..Just cuz we're best friends doesn't mean I'm going to talk to you automatically after I'm hurt or I have a problem. Like today, I wanted to be alone...I am entitled to that and you should respect that I want my space before I can talk things out..The more you push for me to talk the longer I will take to talk. I need my alone time to process things, cool off in a sense. If you my real friend you'll understand that, and i will try to be more vocal about if I want to be left alone.

I was thinking of dropping 30 pure and going into 33 or applied, Like Mrs.Falkied was getting at I'm too dense, to stupid for pure..getting through 10 and 20 was probably just luck...

Just typing, Just cuz

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:47:58 GMT

Ok, So I met 4 new people, One I don't know his name, the other I forgot his name and the other two I remember their names.

The first guy was this little grade 10, me and Kari were sitting on the steps by the science rooms 3rd floor, and he came walking up the stairs. I took one look at him and said definitely grade 10 (It's a game me and Kari play) and then I asked him if he was in grade 10, naturally I was right. Then I asked him to stop for a moment and I measured my height against his, YAYAYAY! I was taller! He was so cute too, like a cutesy cute, and what makes him even cuter is he hasn't really hit puberty yet awwwwwwww! SOO cute..sorry I wanna take him home, he like a teddy bear or puppy or something....Ok collect yourself.

The second guy I met through Kari(kinda). She told me his name..Daryl. I pat him on the head..I don't know why something I just automaticly started doing..hmmm I wonder why???? Seriously I do wonder why?

The third guy was hanging with Daryl..Devon or DBS. Anyways I made a promise to him I wouldn't can him(some guys get the privilege of my promise other don't lol) Kidding I would only pretend to, to scare a guy or joke with him, the only time I would really can a guy is if I felt threatened or it was really necessary to escape danger. Anyways, I saw him at the train platform and we got on the train..and talked a bit(mostly joked about stuff) Devon's a skater and there was this little kid on the train(a little skater) and Devon went up to him and started being buddy buddy calling him lil skater and even went to millennium with this lil kid..it was so cute and sweet.

The forth guy i met is a skater friend of Devon's, I forgot his name cuz i didn't use it right away. But I talked to him too and joked..the three of us joked around, I'm not sure if the lil skater understood it. He looked clueless but it might have been all part of his plan. mahahahah But yay it was fun times.

I make better friend with guys than i do with girls..I have more guy friend than girlfriend or is it equal..hmmmm But yeah I gotta go apologize to Bob morrow cuz i kinda left him in the cafiteria..oopse.

That is all for now, school morrow should be fun. Actually it was interesting today..Danielle kissed me on the check the bit it..frankly I'm used to it buy now so it does come as a suprise when she does kiss me...lol.

Depression

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 02:38:46 GMT

Dammit Kari, I think your deppression rubbed off on me!!!!! Naw I'm kidding.

Have you ever felt like you have no friends or family, but your alone in the world. In complete solitude...I started feeling like that today sometime, I can't really pin point it. I do know when I started feeling lonely and shitty though.

Today I saw Kasey at lunch and well her and Marc are going out know, why didn't she tell me when I talked to her..oh and WTF!!! Isn't this kid supposedly in love with two of her friends.(love doesn't dissapear like that*snap*) I have nothing against them dating but ( no offence to Marc) I think Marc is in love with the fact of being in love and having a girlfriend and well I don't think he really understands the whole idea of love..nobody does actually... Anyways back to the main point, I think Chris and Kaseys friend..ummm krsity( I think) are going out or really good friends, I'm not sure and Jason and Ashley are going out.

It makes me think of all the shitty realationships I've been in, maybe it was my doing being in shitty relationships. Leaping before I look..maybe Kat was right when she said I'm being stupid getting into the same type of realtionship over and over and over... But I want each guy to be different from the last soo much that i'm blind to the simularities, I want to find a guy who's good, I want to feel what a good healthy relationship is. I don't really know what one is like at all. And well I don't really remeber what she called me on the phone because it hit me so hard but I do remeber she was blunt and to the point , but maybe she was right about that too. What she wasn't right about was that I was playing stupid..since I got my head smashed into a wall during lacrosse(the time they had to take me to the hospital) I've been forgeting peoples names, names of objects, what i was doing, many things actually. Again back to the point..I look around and see these happy couples or whatever and I think of how much I want to feel that way...

A guy who likes me for me.likes my weird personality and doesn't even see it as that weird but as a part of me. A guy who respects me and doesn't just see me for my looks(even though I don't get what some guys find so attractive about my looks). A guy who respects me and finds me mostly attractive because of my personality not just because they find me attractive. I want a guy who is my firend as well as my boyfriend. A guy who I share some interest with and some differences. I don't know, maybe thats asking for to much or maybe I'll never know how that feels.

Even though I've never been dumped, I still have felt heart break and heart ach. I still hurt. Well many people see me as a heartless bitch with no feelings, It's true there are some people who do see me as such. I may sometimes hide my hurt under bitching or cold hearness by yelling or shutting everyone out. I've shown my feeling before and they just got trampled on even more thatn they were. The fact is I do have a heart and I do have feeling and they can be trampled on, hurt or broken just like everyone else.

This is the first and probabily the last time I will ever share the poetry that I have written, I don't think It's that good. Some I wrote in 2000.

Roses are DEAD, Violets are TOO, I hate YOU, Cuz thats U!!!

Tears of my soul

I promised myself I wouldn't cry

but it's just so hard

that it makes me want to die.

To get away from this pain

just leave with no goodbye

I think I might be going insane.

You have heard it before,I know

but all that was was the psyco.

Life is hard, and feeling shouldn't show

we should hide them in a box and tie it with a bow

so I'll try to stop

stop the pain

stop the tears

show a bright face,

while everything inside burns and

my soul terminates into

nothingness.

Crystal Heart

My heart crystalizes

everytime you come near

I feel it, stop and race

at the same time

My breath grows rapid and i sigh

For It's you I want to give my crystal heart to

ou I would die for.

But what If you take my heart and run and leave me there to persih.

It's a chance I have to take

because If I don't give you my crystal heart

It will shatter into a million pieces

and i will die

of heart ach,

heart break.

If they suck please feel free to say so.

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 03:06:49 GMT

I was thinking of something today. Whenever my Sister or Brother used to come home drunk I was always taking care of them. Getting them water and head pills, a blanket and a bucket. I do know that each of them has spent a night in the middle of the bathroom door, couldn't make it all the way lol. I was always taking off their shoes even when there was puke on them. By the way Kari, yes it is a pic of a baby...lol. So yeah I'm going to attempt to put some pic in here don't know if it going to work or not but here goes.

I've got nothing

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 20:22:56 GMT

I don't know, I guess today I'll just basically talk bout things that are on my mind. Even thought it was a week ago that I got back, DANCE CAMP WAS AWSOME and I MISS IT!!!! I got an e-mail from Paz yesterday and he wanted to have a reunion yay! I get to see everyone again! (A couple of people I'm not too excited about seeing...Bitches) I loved it there; I made some really good friends in only that short of time.

Cara is my idol; she is so full of life, energy, and spunk. Her dances are awesome and she isn't afraid to be herself, Love ya Cara! Kelly and Miranda and. (crap I forgot her name, she was a special teacher who came in for one day) are awesome dancers too, there chorography is the BOMB and they are so nice too : )

I kind of knew Michael from Edgemont gym, he works there. He was kind of rude the first few times I went in there because he didn't know I was there for Dance lessons, but he is soo nice and sweet and he has a kick ass accent lol. Paz taught me so much about how to be myself and protect myself. I learned self-defence and how to let my voice be heard and ahh I really don't know how to explain it but he did help me find my voice and confidence that I had lost 2 years ago.

I was always quite and shy but when I had finished grade nine and going into grade 10 I was beginning to gain a voice of my own, confidence, as well as self-esteem. But, I met someone that year (grade 10) that over time (medium time slot, I guess that how you would say it) I lost what I had gained, my voice, confidence and much self-esteem. After I disconnected interaction with that person I began to gain some of my self-esteem back but he was always there to bring it back down and make me feel like shit, that I was worthless to everyone except him (nice huh?). Little by little I have been gaining my voice, confidence and self-esteem back, even though every so often he would be there to take it away. It hasn't been just him taking it away thought; there have been others who contributed. It is now 2 years later; I'm going into grade 12. I still feel like I'm a worthless little shit sometime, other time someone convinces me that I am a nothing but... there is the odd time I feel like I am a someone, that I have a purpose on this earth and that I can do better then what I have been doing. As time goes on that feeling becomes more often and stronger, I am now able to walk with my head up, a smile on my face (sometimes), shoulders back and chest up (I'm not showing off my chest but when you but your shoulders back it kind of just happens lol). I have every one of my friends at dance camp, some friends here, and my family to thank for this feeling of worth. Sure I have my down days and up days but my down days are going down and my up days are going up lol.

This is one of my favourite quotes I think of it all the time:

"This life is worth living we can say, for it is what we make it."
-Anonymous

It's also nice to have friend who will listen to you and not at you. What the hell is the point of talking to someone who is listening at you??? A friend would want to listen to you and try to help, offer their opinion and support, not sympathy. The last thing we need in this world is fake or real sympathy from a family member or friend.
My sister hates it when I puke (even though I was sick and couldn't help it). I puked in front of her and she got mad at me. I puked in front of my brother and he offered advice as to what I could do to stop my cough and puking. He had empathy for me because he had gone through the same illness as me. My sister has had illnesses where she puked but nothing close to what I had...It was horrible; I thought I would never get better.

I guess that is all that I have on my mind sooo yeah hmmmmm. Yeah lol

Note to self and others

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:00:49 GMT

Kari, Please read this whole thing without assumption or judgement. Talk to me before you judge what this all means ok. It's really really important!

I fucking hate this. Why is it that they are brining this all up?? I don't even want to work tomorrow because I really don't feel good. I think I caught something at camp.
Anyways, Jess is right I should surround myself with possitive, supporting people. She has become one of my best friends in a week than anyone has become thus far. (except Ally, She still is my best friend but it took up like 2 weeks or something to become best friends) I really need to talk to Kari and Kat, mostly Kari though, So if you guys could call or e-mail or somehow let me know when you are back from edmonton trip, really appreciate it.
I really don't give two shits (not to sound rude or nothing so sorry if this does) what Kat and Kari think about who I find cute/attractive. I will be openly attracted to whome I want even though they don't think so. I won't bring up sed people to often but if asked who I think is cute or we are on that topic I will say I think so and so is cute even if you guys dissagree.
Kari, I think who you have a crush on or like isn't that attractive, no offence to that person they are nice looking but just not attractive to me because(Kari I'll talk to you a bit more on why in private, why I think this so I can clear some things up.) their personality isn't tops. BUT, I fully support you on your own tatses, Kari, and you should like who you want to like and NEVER let anyone tell you what you prefrences in people are..I let it happen and I won't let it happen again. I also don't think you should let who you like come between friendships or even other friends.(again will talk to Kari a bit more on that in private, much much explaining to do to clear things up.)

Here is some advice that I have decide to adopt and begin to follow, it might be helpful to others as well:

1)Sometimes you hurt other without knowing it and sometimes you know what your doing but you just don't care.
2)Udder selfishness is what destroys a persons good-natured soul.
3)We need to help ourselves without hurting others and help others without hurting ourselves.
4)Balance is the key to many things in life, not too much but not too little.
5)Let your imagination pour and never put a cork in you bottle of imagination because every one will miss the beautiful creative things that come out of it.
6)Commitment, always remeber that one word and act on it as well.
7)Don't be afraid to let you true voice and your true self to shine, you'll be suprized at the things you will find. :)

I'm going to do some cleaning on my room, it's someting I said I would do today so I'm going to stick with my commiment.

It's been a long time / Kat I suggest you don't read this

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 11:46:04 GMT

Kat I'm writing about a nightmare I had so caution, and If you do read it don't say I didn't warn you...

I've had nightmare before where I've woken up crying but that only because I lost a family member in them, then there is other nightmares where I was scared because I lost my mom(had those when i was younger). Then the most recurring kind is the ones where I wake up, don't really care and go bad to sleep.

I just had a Nightmare,the first in a long time, that genuinely scared the shit outta me and now I can't sleep. Basically it was one of those nightmare where at first you know it's a dream, but then you can't wake up so then you think, what if this is real?, and you get scared because your trapped in that world.

When this type of NM used to happen to me as a child, I would scream my head off, and my mom would come in and help me escape from the terror I was trapped in, comfort me, then I would sleep. Since I am more grown-up now, I feel no need to scream, to get help from my mom because I can and did find a way out of my dream world. As for the fact of not being able to go back to sleep,(A. I can't, I am now awake B. I'm still a bit shook up from the NM itself.)well I'm writing in this Journal and then I plan to watch tv. Hopefully I'll get some more sleep.

Anyways..I guess I'll basically explain what happened in the NM....

This was a continuation of another dream I had(except in the first dream it was normal) In the first dream we were sleeping at someones house(the house looked familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it)either one of Melissa's friends or my mom's friend Elaine. It was my mom, me, Melissa, Shawn. My mom had her own room and me and my siblings shared a room. It was normal, we watched movies and slept, that as all the dream was about.

In this dream tonight The room that I had slept in before was cover with vegetation, like a rain forest, and I was alone in this room. Neither Shawn nor Melissa Had came. Melissa was there for a split second to tell me something but then she was gone. She came to tell me the dishwasher downstairs made a grinding noise and that it sounded like two people having sex. The one upstairs sounded like someone peeing(strange). My mom is sleeping in the same room and I'm in that one room. All these creatures with spikes and sharp horns were coming up and talking to me. I told a snake to go away because he poked me in the foot with a spike. A bird was covered in spikes and horns, but it told me that it was a vegetarian. A big ass fly came by(made of leaves tho) and the bird swallowed it whole. Anyways, so I get into my bed and try and sleep but I get woken up by howling. A coyote comes near my bed, I wake up just as it starts to eat this squirrel that I guess I brought as a pet. The coyote swallows it whole and I grab it by a chain around it's neck and drag it to my mom's room. I yell out for her to get up, she does. I show her the coyote and say,
"This thing ate my squirrel and what is a coyote and a rain forest doing here anyways?"
My mom looks at me and replies,
"I understand, it is a bit strange here lately. Many things are not right. Do you want to go home?" I shake my head frantically, who wouldn't want to go home? "Ok, then go grab your bag"
I rush over to my room, let the coyote go, grab my bag and rush right back to my mom. We start heading for the door by going down this big flight of stairs(it one of those staircases that has stairs on either side) and into the living room. For some reason, we stop in the living room and my mom quietly remarks,
"Look at the clowns"
I replied,
"The last thing I need it to look at some freaky ass clowns."
She again quietly remarks,
"Thats right, bad scary clowns."
I look up and sitting in two chairs across from each other is two clowns. One was your normal, standard clown(still freaky looking though) and the other was a dogs head on a clowns body. So these clowns weren't there in the first dream nor were they there at the beginning of this NM, so one had to wonder. I look closer at the clown with the dog head. One of it hands is moving ever so slightly. I close my eyes and move the hand very quickly, but when I reopen my eyes the hand is back in the exact same place, still moving. I was moving it fingers, wiggling them and it finger tips were moving back and forth. I looked over at the other clown and it head was shaking backing forth, like it was reading something or say no, but it was staring at the ground. I started to hyperventilate and pointed at the clowns. My mom looked at them and suggested,
"Ok, I think it times we got out of here."
In one smooth, quick series of motions, we went out the front door, into our van, mom started it, seat belts on and we drove away.
While I was in the van, the dream went back to the house, kind of like an after we left glimpse. And the two clowns had woken up, I guess that why they never attacked us. They heads shot up, beady red eyes and sharp tooted smiles.
Thats when I woke up. I tried sleeping again but I couldn't so I flicked on the light and came up here. It was about 4: 30 when my NM ended.

I keep thinking what If this is just another Dream and those freaky ass clowns are around here somewhere, but then I just hit myself and say stop it..one sec...... *ouch* STOP IT!! It was JUST a NM, no harm will come to me... This is kind of strange for me, it's been a while since I had a Nightmare that gave me the creeps, let alone scare me a bit. It's been even longer since I couldn't sleep because of an NM. W/E, Well i guess that all. Tomorrow I go to my dance camp and I'll be to tired at night to even dream, so that means no NM's...heh heh..beat you..... AHHHHHHHHHHHH OH SHIT EVIL KILLER CLOWNS!!! HAah kidding, and that didn't even scare me.

To many appointments

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 19:59:15 GMT

Wind, rain, shadow, wood, sword, thunder, power, sleep, cardcaptors of the clow expect the unexpected now.

The secrets of the clow were all a mystery, but when this mighty book was opened the powers were set free.

Cardcaptors, a mystic adventure. Cardcaptors, a quest for all times.

Each card posses a power on it own, we've got to find them to bring the power home.

Wind, rain, shadow, wood, sword, thunder, power, sleep, cardcaptors of the clow expect the unexpected now.

Cardcaptors, a mystic adventure. Cardcaptors, a quest for all times. Cardcaptors... CARD-CAPTORS!

I never really paid attention to the word until i sung it at Kari's birthday party. I knew most of the words, I think that's kind of funny.

But you know what I know who Kari's crush is, can you say blackmail..hahaha kidding kidding I would never do that to her not in a million yeas. I wouldn't tell even if I was going to be killed if I didn't tell, which probably never come to be the case but still. Even though she made fun of one of my crushes...Dylan *sigh* ahaha joke. Don't worry Kat it was a joke..your probably saying "oh god Sam, are you insane, he's not that good looking" Well you know what, he's like a little lost puppy cute heh heh awwwwww.

Yeah, I am trying to cheer myself up and get some motivation, bout the only thing that gives me some motivation is my dance camp.

Ok, soo now I'm all done ALL 3 of my appointments...Kari is going to kick my ass for reason that are even unknown to her..ahhhhh. By the way Kari, how'd you make the smiley face.

I hate today, It's one of those days when you just want to cry. I'm confused major and energy minor. I still have to clean my room and pack for dance camp, I leave Sunday. I really don't feel like cleaning my room but It's something that needs to be done.

I forgot to tell bout what happened when i went to pysio for the first time. Me and my mom got lost and asked these hockey guys for direction and two of them rushed down to help. The did help us and the one was looking me straight in the eyes, but kinda strange, as he was walking away. We made eye contact though.

The crappy thing that happened today was I got blown off when I phoned this guy (name starts with a D). He said that he was with someone special doing something special, WTF?? That kind of hurt me that he had to be so secretive about it but you know what fuck him!!!

Yes i am aware that I'm all over the place but right now so are my thoughts.

Why?

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 01:43:55 GMT

My job blows..I used to enjoy working there but I've been really un-motivated lately so I guess it shows. My boss talked to my mom and well I guess as it seem there has been a lot of miscommunication or w/e. He said that one day he saw me sitting on my ass in then lunch room watching tv for no reason other than didn't want to work: SCUSE ME I WAS WORKING ALL FUCKING MORNING AND THAT WAS MY BREAK!!! Basically I wanted to finish up what I was doing before I went on my break and well I guess you have to go for the designated times and you can't put your breaks together. The whole combining your breaks thing I understand but talking a break in the designated time is b/s as long as you don't take it ten minutes before you decide to go for lunch and then work till your lunch then yeah that a problem, but with me if I take my morning break at 11:00, I don't go for lunch until 12:30-1:00. But yeah I guess I'm going to part on good terms anyhow so I can get a reference or something...then I'm going to focus on school for the first semester and get a different job during second semester..Then I'll be done school YAYAYAYYAYA!!!!

I really go to talk to Kari bout something sooo yeah I guess I'll try as much as possible to talk to her bout them..I'm not that good at confrontation and letting people know how I feel, because of stuff that happened in the past I lost that part of me, actually it was developing and them I lost what I had developed, yeah.

Back to the whole job sitch for a second.... I will miss some people who I work with, not going to mention names just cuz. Also the store manager isn't too bad, he did kinda creep me out and he does scare me sometimes.

As for my summer work experience coordinator, I dislike her with a passion she makes me feel like complete shit and isn't very proffesional..she tend to keep mentioning things that are in the past to give off guilt to me. I'm soo glad i don't have to see that fat ass bitch again. I do appreciate that she got me credits for my second semester of work last year but that doesn't make-up for how rude she is to me when no one is around and occasionally when either of two other people are around. She is a bitch who doesn't know how to deal with teens.

Kari, you have no life but i don't really either

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 03:55:15 GMT

Hey i read Kari journal entry for today and she answered a whole shit load of question so i'll do the same maybe it'll stop me from thining of david.

~Basics~

001. What is your name? Samantha

002. Spell your name backwards: ahtnamaS

003. Date of birth: June 10th

004. Male or female? Female

005. Astrological sign: Gemini

006. Nicknames: Primara, shorty, shortstuff, little one, yoda, rook, sammy, sam

007. Occupation? Student, Sears Parts and service (curently working in lawn and garden) and Globe and mail dispature helper

008. Height: 4'10 1/2

009. Weight: 115

010. Hair color: Brownish dirty bloonde with light bloond streaks. It was purple

011. Eye color: Hazel green but they sometimes change color

012. Where were you born? Canada

013. Where do you reside now? Canada

014. Age: 17

015. Screen names: pyro_primara, firewing

016. E-mail address: Kiss_my_ass@gotohell.com

017. What does your screen name stand for? pyro is what i am, primara is my nickname. Firewing is a fav book

018. What is your xanga name? Flaredancer

019. What does your xanga name stand for? what it says

020. Pets: yes... a cat, a turtle, a chincilla, a hamster, a dog

021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? 17

022. Piercings? nose and bellybutton

023. Tattoos? Not yet

024. Shoe size: 5 1/2-6

025. Righty or lefty? Righty

026. Wearing: Black half pants, white spagetti strap and a bitton-up top

027. Hearing: Snow-legal

028. Feeling: meh

029. Eating/drinking: Sunny-D

~Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff~

030. Have you ever been in love? unfortunatly yes

031. How many people have you told "I love you"? Including friend and family...10

032. How many people have you been in love with? trying to forget one person

033. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? nope

034. Do you have any nieces or nephews? not that i know of

035. Are your parents divorced? Nope

036. Do you have step parents? Nope

037. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? I disowned my siter once for a while

038. If so for what? She tried to choke me for the second time

039. Did some of your family come to Canada from another country? I only know of my grandma

~Music Stuff~

040. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? Fuck you right back by frankee and broken wing by martina mcbride

041. What's the most embarrasing cd you own? hmmmmmm none really, i don't listen to some anymore like the olsen twins cd haha okay maybe thats embarassing

042. What's the best cd you own? My burnt cds

043. What song do you absolutely hate? Magic stick *suddenly enraged*

044. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes

045. What song reminds you of that special someone? Hurt so bad by Kina

~Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give Any One Of Their Songs!~

046. Pink: Family portrait

047. Aerosmith: Sweet emotions

048. Madonna: Love don't live here anymore

049. Korn: Freak on a leash... heh heh

050. Backstreet Boys: The call

051. The Beatles: let it be

052. Sublime: Date rape

053. J.Lo: We gotta talk

054. Nsync: I want you back

055. Limp Bizkit:Behind blue eyes

056. Britney Spears: over protected

057. Creed: One last breath

058. Enrique Iglesias: Hero

059. Good Charlotte: Hold on

060. Christina Aguilera: Genie in a bottle

061. Eminem: Bully

062. New Found Glory: Dressed to kill

063. Kelly Clarkson: A Moment Like This

064. Kelly Osbourne: Shut up

065. Mandy Moore: have a little faith in me

066. Eve: Love is blind

067. Aaliyah: Try again

068. Nelly: My palce

069. Alicia Keys: Fallin

070. Incubus: Warning

~Favorites~

071. Color: Blue, Black, Baby blue, Purple

072. Food: uhhhhhhhh

073. Song: I wanna be bad-willa ford and Fuck you right back-frankee

074. Show: Family Guy, South Park, Clone High, Futeramma, RFR

075. school subject: Dance and choral, oh and bio

076. Band/singer: hahaha ummm too many

077. Animal: wolves, unicorns, dragon, chetta, panther

078. Outfit: I wear what i wear

079. Radio station: dunno

080. Movie: The pest, major payne, the first wives club, life with mikey, care bears movies :}

081. Pair of shoes: Runners/skater shoes

082. Cartoon: Fruits Basket, crescent moon, ranama 1/2..all anime

083. Actor: uhhhhhhhh

084. Actress: ummmm

085. Potato chip: plain

086. Drink: root beer,pepsi, i'll giev anything a chance

087. Alcholic drink: all lol

088. Holiday: All hallows eve

089. Perfume/cologne: crush i guess

090. Pizza topping: cheez

091. Jello flavor: i haven't had jello since i had that sore throat

092. Lunch meat: ???

093. Board game: Nightmare 1,2,3, dweebs-geeks-and werdos, life

094. Video game: Final Fantasy all of them, bloddy roar 1,3, SSX tricky, zelda

095. Website: haven't finsied it

096. Book: life before man-margrett atwood, the dragon trilogy

097. Computer Game: Nightmare

098. Number: 16

099. Cereal: Cinamin toast crunch, count chocula, corn pops, alphabets

100. Comedian: George Carlin, denis leary, couple others i can't think of

101. Dessert: haha again too many

102. Disney character: only one, hmmm

103. Clothing store: Garage Clothing, Bluenotes,the barbie shop, any where they have clothes i like

104. Pastime: reading, video games, spending time with friends, playing guitar, listning to music, dancing

105. Teacher: Ms. Louge and Ms.Bennett

106. Childhood toy: Hidi my hedghog

107. Carnival game/ride: many

108. Candy bar: mars bar

109. Magazine: YM

110. Salad dressing: none

111. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep

112. Hot drink: hot chocolate

113. Season: Summer and fall

114. Sport to watch: Hockey, lacrosse, euro soccer

115. Person to talk to online: My closest and dearest friends

~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~

116. What color are your sheets? white, purple, grey

117. What color are your bedroom walls? blue

117. Do you have posters on your wall? haha oh yeah

118. If so of what? dragon, ones kat made, dog, final fantasy VII, lots

119. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? ummmm yeah

120. How many pillows are on your bed? 1 big one

121. What do you normally sleep in? shirt and my underwear or a nighty (pants if i'm at someones house)

122. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: silk nighty and cotten nighty

123. What size bed do you have? waterbed

124. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? waterbed

125. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? i wish..i have a cell tho

126. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? yes

127. Describe the last nightmare you had: david kidnapped me and thretened to kill ppl if i didn't go with him, and he pysicaly abused me

128. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? one

129. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? two

130. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? sometimes

131. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? god no

132. Do you snore? nope

133. How about drool? once when i was sick and couldn't breath throuh my nose

134. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? yup *throws across room*

135. What color is the carpet in your room? green with lines of color

136. What's under your bed? dust and stuff that fallen

~This or that~

137. beach/mountains: Beach and mountain(nelson heehee)

138. Donuts/bagels: donuts

139. Day/night: Night

140. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: hmm west

141. Heaven/hell: Heaven, i own hell mahahahaha

142. Make love/have sex: make love

143. Coffee/tea: tea

144. Britney/Christina: Thats not too good of choices now is it

145. Swiss cheese/american cheese: american i guess

146. Real World/Road Rules: neither of em

147. Backstreet Boys/Nsync: Nsync..haha kidding

148. Silver/gold: Silver

149. Nike/Adidas: Nike

150. McDonalds/Taco Bell: Neither, they both are poison

151. Sweet/sour: both

152. Punk/emo: wtf is emo..ohhhhhh punk i guess

153. Hot/cold: hot

154. Winter/summer: summer

155. Spring/fall: fall, spring is nice too

156. Operas/plays: plays

157. Read/watch tv: read

158. Cd's/tapes: CD

159. Dvd's/vhs: DVD

160. Old/new: old/new what??

161. Shorts/skirts: Skirts

162. Pink/red: RED!!!!!!!

163. Colored/black and white photos: both are nice at their own times

164. Meat/vegetables: dunno

165. Mexican food/chinese food: both have some good food

166. Commercials/infomercials: Commercials

167. Scary movies/comedies: both

168. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikinis with swim trunks

169. Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals and running shoes

170. Dogs/cats: both

171. Unicorns/fairies: Both but you forgot draconions

172. Water/land: both

173. Sugar/spice: Sugar

174. Black/white: black

175. ribbons/bows: both

176. Chicken/beef: Chicken

177. Colored/white christmas lights: depends

178. Cars/trucks: motorbike

179. Austin Powers/James Bond: hmmmmm both

180. Popcorn/pretzels: both

181. Hip/hop: lets keep it as hip hop

182. Passionate kiss/peck: Passionate kiss

183. WWE wrestling/real wrestling: really neither but the wwe wreastling game is...interesting

184. Back rub/foot massage: full body massage

185. Picture frames/photo albums: depends

186. Pens/pencils: again it depends

~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~

187. Eminem: has some good songs

188. Virgins: their choice

189. God: ummmmmmmmmmm lol

190. The Osbournes: ozzy is funny

191. Reality TV: has it's good shows and shitty shows

192. J.Lo: don't know, don't care

193. Religion: everyone has their own religion

194. Emo music: don't care

195. Valentine's Day: Wasn't St.Valentine a murderer or something

196. Christina Aguilera: weenie in a bottle (lol)

197. Homosexuals: They are more than just homosexuals..everyone has individual differences

198. Abortion: their choice

199. Inter-racial relationships: what the hell is this..that shouldn't matter as long as they care for each other

200. Murder: not good

201. Death: I want to die in a weird way

202. Obesity: lol american kari your funny

203. Pre-marital sex: It's their fucking choice

204. Terrorism: go to hell bin laden!!!!

205. Pornography: uhhhh, i guess it depend on the persons taste

206. Fortune tellers: psyhics are better

207. Threesomes: not gunna say a thing...Tag team!!lol

208. Prostitution: haha well it's not a good way of living but it's that persons choice

209. Politics: stupid governament *laughs*

210. Country music: somes okay

211. George W. Bush: and I quote "They misunderestimate me!" i agree with kari on this

212. Cloning: ummmm

213. Britney's boobs: fake fake fake but nice lol jkjk

214. Gas prices in America: stupid gas

~Name Game~

What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Names?.

215. Jack: desena

216. Tiffany: bride of chucky

217. Ben: franklen

218. Maria: girls i used to know

219. Jennifer: Lopez

220. Nicole: enemy

221. Amy: futurama

222. Adam: eve

223. Richard: guy from work

224. Justin: timberlake

225. Arnold: from "hey Arnold"

226. Tom: Tom and jerry

227. Melissa: my sisster

228. Charlotte: good charlotte

229. Harold: from a show

230. John: Lyall

231. Joel: garrick

232. Vanessa: from school in my dance class

233. Michelle: guy who was in the dance show

234. Kevin: asshole who used to go to my school

235. Brent: don't know any

236. Jake: animorphs

237. Billy: Klippert

238. Sarah: daughter of a frinend of my dads

239. Natalie: Imburgula

240. Christi: knew he from elementary

241. Nick: BSB

242. Linda: ????

243. Taylor: clothing

244. Jordan: knew him in elementary

245. Jamie: Kennedy

246. Adrian: i new one in play-group

~Have You Ever....~

247. Mooned anyone? against my will, long story

248. Been on a diet? kinda

249. Been to a foreign country? Usa waters

250. Broken a bone? nope

251. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? No

252. Swear at a teacher? haha not gunna go into that

253. Talked to a xanga member via e-mails or instant messages? no and y are u asking bout xanga

254. Got in a fight? haha many

255. Dated a teacher? WTF??? hell no

256. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? nope

257. Thought about killing your enemy? which enemy

258. Gone skinny dipping? ...

259. Met another xanga member in the flesh? uh no

260. Told a little white lie? Yes

261. Told a secret you swore not to tell? had to tell she was gunna do something dangerous

262. Stolen anything? no

263. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? hahaha yeah

264. Been on TV? uhh no but i was in the news papaer

265. Been on the radio? yeah in grade six

266. Been in a mosh pit? yeah

267. Been to a concert? yup

268. Dated one of your best friends? no

269. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? uh no

270. Decieved somebody close to you? unfortunatly yes

271. Broken the law? hmmmm no

272. Been to a rodeo? i think once

273. Been on a talk show? No

274. Been on a game show? No

275. Been on an airplane? no

276. Got to ride on a firetruck? nope

277. Came close to dying? no

278. Cheated on a bf/gf? yeah i kissed another guy..big mistake

279. Gave someone a piggy back ride? yes

280. Terrorized a babysitter? no

281. Made a mud pie? yes

282. Had a dream that your falling off a cliff? yes

283. Snuck out of the house at night? haha fun times

284. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? nope

285. Had an eating disorder? yeah

286. Felt like you didn't belong? there have been times

287. Felt like the 3rd wheel? couple of times

288. Smoked? tried and quit...yuck

289. Done drugs? uhh not gunna go into that

290. Been arrested? no

291. Had your tonsils removed? no

292. Gone to camp? yes

293. Won a bet? yes

294. Written a love letter? i've written a note saying i like someone does that count?

295. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? yes, shouldn't have

296. Written a love poem? nope..mostly poems bout heartbreak

297. Kissed in the rain? yes *sigh*

298. Slow danced with someone you love? no

299. Participated in cyber sex? hahahahaha cyber sex is funny

300. Faked an orgasm? HAHAHAHHAHAHA many times with a certain guy(he sucked BIG TIME but i loved him soo that didn't matter)

301. Stolen a kiss? hmmm no

302. Asked a friend for relationship advice? yes

303. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? they tried..stupid bitch

304. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love? no, watched it alone

305. Gotten a speeding ticket? no

306. Done jail time? no

307. Had to wear a uniform to work? yeah

308. Won a trophy? won a medal

309. Thrown up in public? yes a couple of times

310. Bowled a perfect game? i wish

311. Failed/got held back? nope

312. Got perfect attendance in grade school? tried but then got really fucking sick

313. Roasted pumpkin seeds? yes

314. Taken ballet lessons? yeah

315. Attempted suicide? yes

316. Cut yourself? both on purpose and by accident

~Childhood Stuff~

317. Did you play with Barbies? yes

318. Did you own Treasure Trolls? yes

319. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? one episode

320. Did you play Simon? don't think so

321. Did you watch Fraggle Rock? wtf

322. Did you wet the bed? hahahaha

323. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? yes and the bastards were in my attic too

324. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them? wtf?

325. Were you shy? very much so

326. Were you spoiled? a lil

327. Were you abused? as a child no

328. Did you go to the circus? yes

329. Did you go to the zoo? yes

330. Were you in a car accident? nope

331. Did you build snowmen? yes

332. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? tears came outta my eyes

333. Were your older cousins mean to you? yes. sometimes

334. Did you think slinkies were cool? Hated them, they never worked *cries*

335. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? No but they fucking rock

336. Were you afraid of the dark? at one time

337. Did you have slumber parties? some

338. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, curtains, sleeping bags,

dolls and pajamas? no but i listened to them

339. Did you tease your hair out? uh no

340. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? I did

~Randomness~

341. Do you believe in aliens? we have aliens on earth

342. Name three things that are next to your computer: pinter, paper, drink

343. Do you have any hidden talents? yes and they stay hidden

344. Do you wish MTV would play more music videos? who gives a fuck

345. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? horror

346. What would your movie star name be? pyro primara

347. Do you play any sports? Lacrosse, badminton, rugby

348. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? none

349. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? White chicks

350. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? ummmm bevis and butthead, but it's funny

351. Do you drive? not yet

352. What is your dream car? motorcycle

353. Do you think your good looking? I'm okay

354. Do others think you are good looking? they seem to

355. Would you ever sky dive? yes

356. Do you believe in Bigfoot? nope

357. How many rooms do you have in your house? ummm 14, i have 2 of em to myself

358. Are you afraid of roller coasters? no

359. Do you believe in God? kinda i guess

360. Do you believe in Satan? I am satan

361. Do you believe there is a heaven? kinda

362. Do you believe there is a hell? hell can be on earth

363. Do you own a pooltable? i wish

364. Do you have a pool? I wish

365. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? Yes

366. Do you like chocolate? Yes

367. Who/what is on your calendar? dates of thing to do

368. How many U.S. states have you been to? none

369. Ever wished on a shooting star? many

370. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? my one from last year

371. Do you carry any weapons on you? not at the moment

372. What is your weakness? wouldn't u like to know

373. Name something you can't get enough of: dancing

374. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: Short, creative, patient(not all the time)

375. How many kids do you want to have? how many ever i have, no more than 4

376. Future daughters names: Primara, crystal, hitomi

377. Future sons names: Joel, matthias, Nicky

378. What is your ideal way to die? Screwed up way/creepy way

379. How do you release stress? listen to music, dance

380. Are you a trendy person? hahaha fuck no

381. Are you an artisitic person? in many ways i guess

382. Are you a realistic person? sometimes

383. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? Nope, whats the point

384. Are you a strong person Physically: to an extent

385. Are you a strong willed person? yes, i can be

386. Who is the last person to e-mail you? kari

387. Who is the last person to IM you? ummmmm

388. Do you hate chain e-mails? DIE!!!!!!

389. Are you a deep sleeper? sometimes

390. Are you a good story teller? can be

391. What do you believe is your best quality? I'm different lol

392. What is your greatest accomplishment? Getting second place in lacrosse yay!

393. Do you like to burn candles or incense? yes

394. Do you do yoga? i have

395. Do you have your own credit card? nope

396. Let's say you win the lotto: Nice

397. Do you have a check book? no

398. Do you like your driver? yeah, my mom and sis

399. Do you tan easily? I burn then it turns into a tan

400. What color is your hair naturally? brownish dirty blonde

401. How many fillings do you have? uhh i don't know 3 maybe

402. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? none

403. Worst feeling in the world? depressed

404. Best feeling in the world? knowing people love and care for you and will be there when u need them

405. Is the glass half empty or half full? It's full. Air is a substance(i agree with yeah Kari)

406. Last thing you downloaded? A song by sublime

407. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? yeah sometimes

408. What do you think people think of you? don't really care all that much

410. Do you need therapy? haha wouldn't hurt i guess

412. What the best way to be proposed to? Unexpectedly

414. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? hahahahaha hell yeah

415. When are you moving? after high school maybe.

Holy crap alota questions...well i kinda forgot bout David..but i'm still thinking of him...dammmit

Boys are stupid throw rocks at them

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 02:02:29 GMT

That's my philosophy on life...Boy are stupid throw rocks at them. I swear I fucking hate boys. There are only a few boys I don't hate though...all males in my family, John,Chris Brownlee. Stu and one other guy i'm not going to mention. All other boys can rot in hell.

Ok so this guy that i haven't talked to in a while called me, I really really don't like him. He's a bit of a nut-job and scares me. So he asked if I want to hang out and I try to tell him that I'm bust so he asked if he could stop by and say hi, I said ok but only to say hi. Then he asked if i wanted to go to this place he knows of, I simply replied Maybe. So anyways he come over and said HI..I'm thinking ok now leave, but NOOOOOO he bends down to take off his shoes, it like oh hell no i don't want you in my house with all your dark magic (he practices in the dark arts, I found that out today) so I quickly said aren't we going to that place. So we set off and he suddenly remembers..Sunday it's closed. So we just walk and he kept touching and rubbing my arm and back, He's Engaged now to eh? Doing that kind of thing is ok if your really good friends, me and him aren't, in-fact we haven't seen each other in about half a year or more.

So we pass these teens doing a car wash fundraiser and it turns out he know them. They all work at the Cave and so did he at one point. He runs around getting numbers from people, then asks me if I want to stay there and hang. I asked what time it was and said i had to get home but he could hang with his friends. So he walked with me a couple of blocks and then said goodbye. The goodbye consisted of a hug and him kissing me on my head, again that type of thing is fine if YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME!!!!!!! That pissed me right off so i calmly walked home until a block away I ran. When i got inside i started to cry because I was just so frustrated and decided to go punch the shit outta my punching bag. That helped quite a bit.

After i had "mellowed out" I watched a movie with my mom.

I've decided to screen my calls though. Any guy that calls my mom has to tell me who it is and then i'll tell her if i want to talk to them or not. As for the guy I saw today..absoulutly no calls from him!!!

ps. This guy totally drains me of all energy, I feel like shit after I see him, I had forgotten that happens.