Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pyro_primara's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
6:25 pm	Boys suck I swear alot on here but usually when I write on here I'm upset or stressed soo I tend to swear more. Kari I dunno If you even read my journal anymore but I would like you to tell me exactly and trufully what you think of me. YOu already lied to my face and when I approched you about it the conversation didn't really go anywhere. The fact that you wanted Kat to come and she said you have me and You made that face, That really hurt me and I know you probabily think I'm really sensative but you know whaI have a fucking right to be sensitive sometimes. If you truly believed that you told me about pictures at your house then you would have said that me and Kat are coming over to your house for pictures..there is no way in hell u would have forgotten about me if u said you thought you told me...I'm not being mean just stating the truth..I can't approuch you about anything because you just don't understand..When i'm clearly looking for help I can't count on you because you don't understand..don't feel bad, my own family doesn't understand me, nobody does..I am alone in this world, doomed to forever wander alone. Kari please don't take offence and if you do then i guess thats how u take it. Why can't I find a good guy, one where I can totally be myself around..If I knew who myslef was. I want to find a guy who Is nice and understand and who I am nice and understanding back too..All I've ever know in relationships is abuse..every kind of abuse..That is all I know, All i have really seen...It's no wonder I am mean to some people who are half decent to me...I don't know how to accept kind treatment, it's foreign to me..sooI get scared and either make fun of the person or hit, flick or whatever. I keep finding guys who remind me of a certain someone in one way or another...Is it just me am I afriand to find a good guy or a guy who is different or do they actually remind me of this one person ...This one person who has consumed my life, my soul and my heart..I don't know if that is fair to say..I have freed myself in some ways but am still caught in others... Every girl wants a man that she can go to in her sweats,hair a mess make up running down her face eyes red from crying and the first thing he says to her is, "Baby, you're beautiful," and means it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: "Aura" by Yuki Kajiura (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 28th, 2005
11:23 am	Wow Long time Maybe I should start writing in here more often. Writing in a journal, any journal really helps. I have been feeling really sick lately. I have been stressing over somethings..This is my vacation I should be relaxin but noo a coupel of guys are getting me all stressed. Also I've been feeling light headed and sick to my stomach and I'm not really sure as to why. Anyways back to this boy sitch... So I've been talking to David lately and planning to go to grad and come see him at his new house..but I decided that I wasn't going to sneek around my parents anymore...sooo I told them what was going on. David has changed, not a big change, but still a change is a change and a step in the right direction...My mom didn't really believe me so she suggested I tell David that I told her what was going on and tell him that I can't go to grad and see how he responds. Knowing my mom she was sure David would get mad, start bad mouthing her, and try to convince me to go to grad anyways..proving that he had not changed. Well, David was totally understanding and didn't bad mouth my mom or try to convince me to go..he was all like "I understand don't worry about it" proving that he has changed, like I said a small change is still a change. So, I told her what happened and I could see that she was shoked right and I knew isntantly that she thought he would act in his timley way and that pissed me off that she was so judgemental. I understand that she can't forgive him right but holding a grudge isn't healthy and when I tolf her that she said she wasn't...she so totally is. And because I got mad she automatically blamed my "attitude" on David and that PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE!!!!!! NO ONE IS RESPONSABLE FOR MY FEELINGS OR ACTIONS..NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL SAD, I FEEL SAD BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING believe me there is a difference..our emotions are our own no one can make us feel a certain way..we feel a certain way based on how we take things. Something that is upsetting to one person isn't necessarily upsetting to another. It had nothing to do with David why i was pissed it was the way I was taking my mother insinuations. I felt offended and angered by them. Thats the short version of the whole David thing but it basically explains everything. Another guy has been kinda getting on my neveres lately and I find myself feeling angery and stressed when he calls for the second time in one day....like honestly I didn't want to talk to you befor so why are you phoning now. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING SPACE BEFOR I EXPLODE!!! thank you. So, far he hasn't called today..maybe he got the point...no offence he is a nice guy but I can't hang out with him for days in a row or talk to him evryday on the phone. Okay so the other guy I really like and he did ask me out or was heading in that direction...he has asked me out before and I agreeded but then like 2 days later, I think, he broke up with me cuz we didn't live that close to each other. And when he was talking bout going out this time that same point came up. Sometimes I think he's only asking me out or pretending to so that I won't tell him to fuck off or not hang with him anymore. I think I'm prob just a sex toy to this guy...I dunno tho cuz it seems that way with every guy..even the virgins...it's crazy. I just don't know what to do. WTF Theres this other guy that I used to like and still kinda do but I don't see him that much and I wish I could..that all i'm gunna say bout him cuz I don't want to give away who he is. Theres one more thing I would like to say...my mom and Dad had problems and were going to get divorced..I know my dad wasn't anywhere near as bad as David was but the point is my dad changed and my parents are still together. I'm not saying that me and david are going to get together what I'm saying is my mom loves my dad and forgave him and well I still love David and have forgiven him sooo like WTF. But I gottsa go now sooo I guess that all I needed to get off my chest..holy crap it says how queer in the nightmare befor x-mas..I never realized that..... Later dayz Current Mood: sick Current Music: "No, No, No" by Destiny's Child (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 30th, 2005
9:51 pm	What should I do, What should I be I still don't know what I want or am going to do after high school. I have already taken the step to go into the program "student for a day" at the University of Lethbridge. I'll be taken a bus there on my own on Thursday and the program on Friday. Taking a bus on my OWN, what the hell I"ve never taken a bus anywhere and alone. I'm kinda scared..it just hit me today that soon I won't be in high school anymore..I'll prob lose touch with alot of my friends and soon I'll be moving out on my own. Whats wores is I don't know what I want to be or do after high school. There is soo many interest that I could explore but finding what is right for me is going to be a challange. I can't be as imature as I have been in the past and there is going to have to be less imature moments. I'm in grade 12 and already semester one is over I made it, I suvived. I need to really bring up my maturity level. I will still have my moments but not as many. Paris and Nicole can afford to be imature and do all the shit they do..I however, cannont. I just don't know I really need to sit down look through all my options, consider them all and try to make a choice. It isn't like I will be stuck with whatever I choice I can change it and all but I do need to decide something so I can move forward. If I go to the university of Lethbridge I won't be at home anymore. What if I get home sick..soo I need to get my license soon if I do go to school outside calgary. Maybe I'll go to mount royal or sait or the UofC. I dunno I guess we'll see what happens with this connections program at the UofL. It just seems so quick. I feel like I was in grade 11 just yesterday, and the fisrt sem just went past. Tomorrow I start the second semester of my last year in High School. Goodbye mornings and afternoons in the asylum. Goodbye walking around crescent playing games with Kari during my spares. Goodbye bugging the grade 10's and 11's. I doubt this will happen with my grandma sick but me and my mom were going to habe a road trip and drive across Canada to Ontario(I think ^.^) after High school. We might have driven one way and taken a plane the other way or take the plane both or drive both. That would have been so fun. Seeing canada, and seeing cute boy in the diff provinces ^.^ lol jkjk... Naw it'd be fun just to drive across Canada with my mom. Maybe get to talk about her childhood and dads childhood. I found out today that my dad only met his mom like once or a couple of times. He didn't live with her and doesn't kow her. We got this Cd from my dad's mom's side and he does'nt know anyone on that side except his uncle that he met once I think. I want to learn more about my dads life.I know that he did live in foster homes and I think by himself but I don't really know all that much. I guess that is all for now back to school..goobye sitting on my ass and doind nothing but going to the mall and sleeping in(well not really I was constantly being woken up early except one day) Later dayz Current Mood: exanimate Current Music: "Adiemus" by Enya (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
7:08 pm	Have you ever You know what I noticed today, I start most of my essays and jornal entries with a question. Like have you ever imagined you were someone other than who you are..basically everyone has. But how many of thoses people want it so bad to become a reality that it almost does become their reality and theylose sight of who they really are. How bout this one, you meet someone who you really like but you know that you can't be together. I get this often...RAGE because alot of the thing I dream about are impossible that I wish i didn't dream about them but then it would suck if i didn't have those dream..talk about you contradictions... I don't know what to do.. I really should figure out what it is that I want to do after high school, it is coming quite close to the end....I have to admit I am a scared, it seem like forever that i've been in high school and well a part of me is going to miss it..I however don't feel alone in the whole uncertainty of after high school plans. I don't really have much to say..what I really need is someone to talk to, not about anything particilar just talk to..have a real conversation with... I mostly wonder if how i act is really who i am..how can you tell..what if I'm a completly different person? Would people still like me or be my firends if I was any different..would I like myself better, less or the same if I was different. You know what also sucks..love...I'm not sure if i really love this guy or not..I think it's love because I do want to be with even though people say he's bad for me. Maybe it's just beasue he manipulated the fact that no one will ever love me like he did..maybe that true and I do really truly love this guy. I got a heart disoconnection from him but I still think about him alot and talk about him too. Maybe I wasn't ready to..or don't want to or maybe that a sign...man I dunno...What I do know is this is tearing me up inside. I hide it well..I think i do..I dunno if people see it and just don't ask or if they don't see it at all. Everyday a little peice of me dies and it lost forever some days I don't even notice it. I don't even know who i am so how can i notice if i lose a peice of myself...I don't even notice what i'm think sometimes..not going to go into that too complictaed for even myself to comprehend. There are various things..careers that i would like to dabble in... 1)Dance..dance teacher, choreographer,dancer 2) A writer of some kind not exactly sure of what, 3)Kinsologist, 4) firefighter, 5) interior designer, umm thats all I can think of right now. ohoh a fun job would be a hitwomen..mahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha NRA Here I Come!!!!! Current Mood: pensive Current Music: "Stupid Cupid" BY the mini pops (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
2:41 pm	Shallow Why should we worry about what we look like..isn't it what's on the inside that counts...not in this world...unless you have know a person for many years then it's what is on the outside that attracts a person to another...oh and heres the real kicker...If your too good lookig you intimidae people soo their all like he/she is way too good looking for me to talk to..or so and so won't talk to me their're way too good looking to see me...maybe not exactly like that in all cases but in many that is how it goes. Like my family..perfection is what is encourage but never practiced...I mean the sterotype perfection...make no mistakes, be good looking..perfect. Thing is noone in my family is like that but they expect the next generation to be. My mother get soo pissed at me for making a mistake, forgetting something..I never feel like i was ever good enough for her or my father..or anyone... I'd get like a 92% on something and usually the first thing is hwrers the other 8%. Sometimes it's a joke but do we really joke about anything that we aren't atleast a bit sincear about. I gave up...I couldn't take it...yeah i could probabily do really good in math and school all together if i really focused. I had such an easy time focusing in school in elementary and junior high because i didn't have a social life. In grade 10 i had kasey, chris and david...now each year it changes..I don't really have a big social life this year..but y bother trying. Right about now i could give to shits....and even now my mother keeps bothering me about my midterm mark...LIKE FUCK OFF!!I"LL GIVE YOU THE MARK WHAT I GET IT!!!!!! I told her i'd gat marks for test that i took on friday..she starts asking me for my mid-term test mark..I DON"T HAVE IT YET U DUMB BITCH!!!!! Oh and get this she says"u said u'd have it on friday" NOOO I SAID I'D HAVE OTHER TEST!!!!!!!!!! and she gets mad at me for not listning...u don't do it either u fucking hipppacritt..soo y don't u leave me the fuck alone..I've already decided I"m not gunna start trying..I don't even know if i would do better if i did try I highly doubt it. I should be doing good in school for me and not my parents..THe only reason i did good in school was so my parents wouldn't split and yes i do know that it wouldn't have mattered..but at the time they didn't get a divorce soo I thought it was because i was doing good in school..can u blame me for thinking that?? It wouldn't have mattered anyways..I hardly see my dad now...today was the longest time I spent in the same room with him in a while, we were watching harry potter..the third one. I don't even know if I want to go to university or collage...My math is slipping and I have no motivation..I'd get eaten alive..I dunno..I really don't.School for me is more important to my mother than it is for me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Mockingbird "eminem" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 27th, 2004
11:11 pm	Why Bother? Why the fuck should I bother anymore. I'll grow old and die alone and I'll be happy too. Enough with this love bullshit. Some grow up sheltered from the real world while that same shit happens in our own homes but we don't know that it's wrong. After seeing it happen with two generations..u accept alcholism and abuse..It seems right, it fits cuz it's what u grew up with. I should have stayed with one specific person, not nameing names..It what i knew..It doesn't matter if things have changed in that family and now u know it's wrong and a bad relationship for u..it doesn't matter..as a child it was imprinted in our brain that this is how couples should fuction and it feelsright..it fits... This theory might not be for all but i do know it accounts to me..y else would i keep getting into the same relationships, it fits...sometimes i don't realized that they are the same god damm thing as b4 soo i think this one will be different for sure. People yell and bitch at me..It's your own fault u keep getting yourself into these things..u know what yeah i do cuz it's what feel right to me, I grew up with this idea and it's imprited into my head whether I know it's wrong or right...All I wanted was someone to offer support and maybe listen, is that so much to ask of a friend? I dunno maybe it is, people have their own shit to deal with and don't need mine right..lucky me i take on others shit and my own..y I'm not to sure y I'm like that...I'm so used to playing the mother role, i used to take on that responsibility when I was young with my own family and now i guess i take it on alomost naturally. Now i fucked up again..said something that shouldn't have been said at all..I don't even know if i'm getting myself into the same old things or not, I pretty sure i'm not but I just don't know anymore(no offence to anyone) To be tossed away like yesterdays garbage is the worst feeling in the world but to say something and it turn out to be the wrong thisng to say is beautiful..The other person should lie bout anything that would be the utmost worst thing in the world, well may one of the top ones anyways I'm primara and I'm wondering..how do we know we were ment to be on this earth, what if a mistke was made and certain people weren't ment to be born... Current Mood: numb Current Music: "So'ra" By Maaya Sakamota (Comment on this)
Friday, November 5th, 2004
7:32 pm	Falling deep into a hole I cannot get out of I feel sick, my stomach is in knots My head is spinning I can't breath What is this feeling I can't tell If it's good or bad I feel like I could die and forever be happy I dream of thing that shouldn't Do I hope for this or do I worry it will come to be Only hope can come now, but I feel as though I have nothing to hope for. I wish to be alone, yet I'm afraid to be alone I cry and hope that things will be over soon I can't stand to be in this world, but I can't leave Many contadictions lie here A world that isn't cannot be A person is only one to the world but to another they are the world the other sometimes cannot see this They go about everyday life obliviouse to the fact that there is someone who would give up life itself to save them People want what they can't have and shun what is their's to keep They do not see what they have but see it as nothing Dirt on the ground that they step on Days pass and people still don't see months pass and still...nothing Years fly by and reconition is taken when it's to late Time has aged, gone by Time doesn't stop for the obliviouse It only passes faster You need to seize life by the belt rip it off and see the wonders and pains it can bring Open pandora's box Be filled with happeness and sadness Feel love and absolute hate Warmth and the bitter cold Violence and security Feel and experience it all Learn the lessons Make the mistakes Take smart risks don't be afraid to take that leap forward And have what might have been turn into what is or what was The hardest thing is to see what could have been turn into what never was and never will be. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: "White flag" By dido (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
9:03 pm	Trends and Friends(tribute to orry LOL) I'm Sam and I'm wondering, Have your ever felt like your friends are never there for you but your always there for your friends. Or how trend come and go but sometings last forever, even if it starts out as a trend. Friends don't always last forever but your absolute favorrite animal or flower seems to. I understand that my friends have their own problems and don't need mine but even if they listen at me and let me talk. I have my own problems yet I listen to theirs and try my best to help. That rule about "treat others how you want to be treated" may work in elementary school but in Junior high, high school and the real world, it measn dick. If you treat someone nice and with respect that doesn't nesisarily mean they will treat you the same, so why bother teach this bullshit of treat other how you want to be treated in elementary school. "What comes around goes around" atleast that does apply and happens sometimes nowadays. I dunno and this whole love thing, maybe it is just a grown up version of santa clause or the tooth fairy, maybe not. Thats another thing...yu wonder why there are so many liers and why lying is sooo, what's the word, exersized because as children we were lied to about many things. Santa clause, tooth fairy, easter bunny, love, life being all happy and nice. All of it's bullshit. Life is hard and you need to try and deal with it..maybe their wouldn't be soo much depressin if as kids we knew a bit of what to expect. Not make our childhoods a bummer but you know basically stuff like life isn't all perfect... Think of the wolf, in fact all the villins in those stories, They didn't live happily ever after did they. Without them those stories would be boring, they'd be nothing... Once upon a time there was a princess named snow white, she was the fairest in the land, she married a prince whom she loved, they lived happily ever after. wow that sucked. And hwrere does that stupid bitch get off being the fairest in the land..how do they know there isn't some other girl who's worse off than snow white who's fairer huh? And again more lies..They lived happily ever after..well the villins didn't did they, the witch died(atleast we were exposed to death) And what bout the urban legends about their being sex in disney movies...exposure to that too..but what we don't get exposer too is the fact that their are assholes who are a busive and pyscotic chicks who we have to watch out for and not get involved with... By the way for some of the stories I"m rooting for the villin's. Why can't they win...The witch coulda make snow white ugly. I wonder if her presiouse prince woulda married her then. HA! That's another thing...those movies and stories promote being beautiful(skinny, clear skin, nice perfect ass, perfect tits) well some do..the three little pigs doesn't..heehee curly tail..curly, straigh, curly..... Wow did i ever go off topic..oh well Later dayz Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: "sora" By Maaya sakamota (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 25th, 2004
9:53 pm	The bewitching hour nears Ever fear what the person on the other end of the convo is going to say. Your worried that you don't even want to know but then your kinda glad you did check because it wasn't exactly what you thought you would hear, and that makes you smile. I just had that happen to me tonight. I don't really know what going to happen,sometimes that a good thing, sometimes bad. You fear the unkown but get off on the thrill. Human nature is strange that way. we are mostly driven on emotions, sex drive and energy..if that makes sence to anyone. Like when your talking to a person you really like,and u feel like you're gunna pass out and your stomach is in knots..sometimes you can't even be around that person without getting toung tied or blushing. This is the kind of stuff i have to avoid. Many people have'nt see me toung tied or all blushing or even all girly. Plus If i'm gunna be in the haunted house I need to be creepy,not girly lol : } Anyways, The night of the dead aka halloween is almost near. Can't wait my costume is gunna be streniouse but awsome none the less. And my halloween party's gunna be great, I hope lol. I gotta call peeps morrow and see if they coming. hmm what am i gunna do if people(guys) can't crash at my place i dunno oh well I'll plan everything to make sure it'll go well..not smothly(what fun is that) but well. Hmm i guess thats all I'm question mark and I'm wondering..... RFR ROCKS...ROBBIE IS AWSOME!! Current Mood: curious Current Music: "It's my life" By bonjovi (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
6:47 pm	Only Hope I just don't know anymore. I heard some interesting things from Felicia that I must check out with Char. I don't want to say to much until It's all checked out but I do need to talk to Char pretty bad, cuz I have some of my own musings erking me. Hmmmm, I'm so depressed I feel as though I could kill myself this very moment. I need isolation from the world, I feel it know but somehow it's not whole. I don't know, maybe I need help...I told my mom that I wanted to make my councelling appointment earlier than friday for two reasons. Reason one: I wanted to have a sleepover with Char and hang with her that day. Reason two: I really need to see her quick, fast and in a hurry. I really need to talk to someone, that I can truly trust and who I feel is really listning to me, not at me but to me. What the fuck is wrong with me, Why is it that I feel this way. I really don't care bout school or even want to be there or do school work. I'm soo sad, depressed and confused. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: "Just my imagination" By The temptations (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
8:40 pm	Thank You! Thank You sooooo much Jason for not letting me quite dance and cheering me up. I will not let Miss.B get to me morrow, I will dance the very best that I can, and that all that anyone can ask for. I'm not perfect at dancing, But I know I have a true passion for it, and I am not willing to quite because of one bitch of a teacher who thinks she all that. NEWSFLASH, Your not at some big fancy ballet company, YOUR A TEACHER!! Which actually wouldn't be a bad job if teaching and dancing is what you liked to do. I just fininshed my 5th count of 8 and i know it..but i still havat pracyice a bit, which I will as soon as I'm done here. Anyways. I keep coming up with these neat Ideas, either by making un of somthing saying "I should put this in my dance" and I actually should cuz it would look good. Or I make up stuff just by folling around/having fun, and dancing off the top of my head. "I'm question mark and I'm wondering"..Why do some people take their significant others back..I mean I can understand that sometimes yes..they can be forgivin..but other times the stuff they do is or almost is unforgivable. Sorry I wonder that alot cuz I took back a guy who did the worst things to me. I do owe him a little though. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be able to reconize some of the crappy realtionships, well all the crappy realtionships I've been in. AND well I still love him, I know I know, i shouldn't but I can't help it. Immature or not He was my first love. I did a couple of crappy things to him..but the other things that he thinks are crappy that i did, were done purly on my own gut feeling and instinct that I actually follwed. And when I was with him I did alot of crappy thing to my family and some friends. Not good..Family is forever and will always be there for you..well untill some of em dies but then you have another family..Ok Ok that sounded kinda mean but it's true. Anyways..thats all...........Later dayz : ) Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Me typing away at the keyboard (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
10:36 pm	Be brave, stand up for what you beleive in? I'm not quiting dance. I might be discoraged, but just like Fefe Dobson I will keep striving to reach my goal. I want to blow Miss.B away with my performing talent. I have it but I tend to get shy and nervous. I dunno, I'm still going to go into the dance show..it'll be alot of work but I think i can do it. I get to take self-defence lessons from paz on tuesday YAYAYAYYAYAYAYYA!!!!!!!!!!!!! : ) He's such an awsome guy and friend..he helped me get some of my self-esteem back over the summer but I still have quite a way to go. I have such awsome friends. Stu really cheered me up today, and Jason cheered me up yeterday. Stu's my best friend..he'll listen to everything I have to say, even if it's about girly stuff(not going into further detail) I haven't talked to him bout it yet but when i mentioned it as something he wouldn't listen to, he said he would..I'm seriouse he would, It's funny. I'm stuck on my 5th count of 8, it's pissing me off, I don't know i have a block or something..oh well..no matter how sucky I am I know I have my friends and family's support, that all that matters. There one person who I beleive, when they say I'm pretty/beautiful and that cuz they say those words. My family has to say it. Otherz use the term sexy..thats a commliment to but it doesn't have as much effect as the word beautiful or pretty. Hmm thats alll so yeah. Current Mood: content Current Music: "I'm good" By Blaque (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
8:25 pm	Worthless Have you ever felt like your worthless, or that you didn't want to do anything but be in a dark corner by yourself and shut out the world. I'm question mark and I'm wondering..kidding. Anyways My mom keeps finding these new head problems that relate to my problem..you know what my problems are..I'm depressed all the time(really good at hiding it) and I'm a pysco path pyro. I do strange and pyscotic things, I'm sidistic and I love fire. It's so intreiging and beautiful. I'm a choreographer for the dance show, I don't know if i'll be able to do it. I might get shy and nervouse when I'm teaching my dance and do the wrong step or completely mess up..people will be folling me, doing what i do..ahhh okok happy thoughs I can do this confidence. I don't feel like doing anything I just want to get something to drink and go to bed..I can't focuse on my homework. oh well..I don't feel like doing a spell check so if anything is wrong DEAL WITH IT! I guess that all, I don't know why but I can't get everything off my chest. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: "Afrodisiac" by Brandy (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 26th, 2004
4:40 pm	Dazed and confused I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I want to cease living. Otherz times, actually that how I've been feeling lately. Stu is no longer with Robyn, which is sad and good all at the same time. If she couldn't trust him, then whats the point of being with a person you don't trust??? I"m not trying tobe rude, actually I shouldn't say anything..I've only heard from Stu what she like..I don't know how the interacted sooo yeah. Things have changed major in school..many things, I'm not really going to discuss them, but I seem to be the entertainment in the den..Hey let's all pick on Sam whoooo. I just got back from lethbridge today, and I might go to a bonfire at a friends house, that is if he calls. Either he'll forget or not want me there if he doesn't call. I just don't know though. I have a couple of people to talk to on Monday..oh oh and I got Kat's present on Friday..It's soooo cool. I got a fuzzy kitty for myself and the movie Utena, Revolutionary Girl. Not going to lend that out, cuz It's really hard to fing and really expensive as well. That movie doesn't leave the house without me attached to it..lol. Hmmmmm There were somethings I was going to talk bout, but I really don't feel like it. oh and I'm aware the song that I have written down, makes me a losor but I don't care cuz I love it Current Mood: cynical Current Music: "If she only knew" By 98 Degrees (Comment on this)
Monday, September 20th, 2004
8:20 pm	I'm a stupid dumbass idiot and that will never change!!!! If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friend... I've discovered something today, I'm a fucking dumb ass idiot. everybody says Math 30 pure is easy, I don't get it. It doesn't click in my head, I kinda wonder how the hell I passed 10 and 20 pure. Being in the smart class doesn't make you smart. Even my own 20 pure teacher commented that i was an idiot, maybe she was right and I'm not suppose to be in pure, hell applied might even be to hard for me. I didn't know how to do the simplest things and still don't..everyone laughs at the questions I ask and when I don't understand things in math, they laugh, the laugh at my ignorance, my stupidity. I'm so stupid I even keep things bottled inside me until I burst and say the wrong things. Kari, I don't know If you'll read this or not, but I'm going to try and say this to your face. The fact of the matter is that I didn't mean it's a shitty relationship but maybe If we are best friends, you should try to get a hold of me too, so I can feel like you care and want to hang out with me. I used to be the one who people call to hang with but as I met new people who were like me in that aspect I learned to call them. It should be 50/50 Kinda like a relationship. Also maybe I should explain..Just cuz we're best friends doesn't mean I'm going to talk to you automatically after I'm hurt or I have a problem. Like today, I wanted to be alone...I am entitled to that and you should respect that I want my space before I can talk things out..The more you push for me to talk the longer I will take to talk. I need my alone time to process things, cool off in a sense. If you my real friend you'll understand that, and i will try to be more vocal about if I want to be left alone. I was thinking of dropping 30 pure and going into 33 or applied, Like Mrs.Falkied was getting at I'm too dense, to stupid for pure..getting through 10 and 20 was probably just luck... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Music from my past (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 13th, 2004
8:43 pm	Just typing, Just cuz Ok, So I met 4 new people, One I don't know his name, the other I forgot his name and the other two I remember their names. The first guy was this little grade 10, me and Kari were sitting on the steps by the science rooms 3rd floor, and he came walking up the stairs. I took one look at him and said definitely grade 10 (It's a game me and Kari play) and then I asked him if he was in grade 10, naturally I was right. Then I asked him to stop for a moment and I measured my height against his, YAYAYAY! I was taller! He was so cute too, like a cutesy cute, and what makes him even cuter is he hasn't really hit puberty yet awwwwwwww! SOO cute..sorry I wanna take him home, he like a teddy bear or puppy or something....Ok collect yourself. The second guy I met through Kari(kinda). She told  me his name..Daryl. I pat him on the head..I don't know why something I just automaticly started doing..hmmm I wonder why???? Seriously I do wonder why? The third guy was hanging with Daryl..Devon or DBS. Anyways I made a promise to him I wouldn't can him(some guys get the privilege of my promise other don't lol) Kidding I would only pretend to, to scare a guy or joke with him, the only time I would really can a guy is if I felt threatened or it was really necessary to escape danger. Anyways, I saw him at the train platform and we got on the train..and talked a bit(mostly joked about stuff) Devon's a skater and there was this little kid on the train(a little skater) and Devon went up to him and started being buddy buddy calling him lil skater and even went to millennium with this lil kid..it was so cute and sweet. The forth guy i met is a skater friend of Devon's, I forgot his name cuz i didn't use it right away. But I talked to him too and joked..the three of us joked around, I'm not sure if the lil skater understood it. He looked clueless but it might have been all part of his plan. mahahahah But yay it was fun times. I make better friend with guys than i do with girls..I have more guy friend than girlfriend or is it equal..hmmmm But yeah I gotta go apologize to Bob morrow cuz i kinda left him in the cafiteria..oopse. That is all for now, school morrow should be fun.  Actually it was interesting today..Danielle kissed me on the check the bit it..frankly I'm used to it buy now so it does come as a suprise when she does kiss me...lol.  Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: "Your my aphrodisiac" by Katie Melua (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
7:47 pm	Depression Dammit Kari, I think your deppression rubbed off on me!!!!! Naw I'm kidding. Have you ever felt like you have no friends or family, but your alone in the world. In complete solitude...I started feeling like that today sometime, I can't really pin point it. I do know when I started feeling lonely and shitty though. Today I saw Kasey at lunch and well her and Marc are going out know, why didn't she tell me when I talked to her..oh and WTF!!! Isn't this kid supposedly in love with two of her friends.(love doesn't dissapear like that*snap*) I have nothing against them dating but ( no offence to Marc) I think Marc is in love with the fact of being in love and having a girlfriend and well I don't think he really understands the whole idea of love..nobody does actually... Anyways back to the main point, I think Chris and Kaseys friend..ummm krsity( I think) are going out or really good friends, I'm not sure and Jason and Ashley are going out. It makes me think of all the shitty realationships I've been in, maybe it was my doing being in shitty relationships. Leaping before I look..maybe Kat was right when she said I'm being stupid getting into the same type of realtionship over and over and over... But I want each guy to be different from the last soo much that i'm blind to the simularities, I want to find a guy who's good, I want to feel what a good healthy relationship is. I don't really know what one is like at all. And well I don't really remeber what she called me on the phone because it hit me so hard but I do remeber she was blunt and to the point , but maybe she was right about that too. What she wasn't right about was that I was playing stupid..since I got my head smashed into a wall during lacrosse(the time they had to take me to the hospital) I've been forgeting peoples names, names of objects, what i was doing, many things actually. Again back to the point..I look around and see these happy couples or whatever and I think of how much I want to feel that way... A guy who likes me for me.likes my weird personality and doesn't even see it as that weird but as a part of me. A guy who respects me and doesn't just see me for my looks(even though I don't get what some guys find so attractive about my looks). A guy who respects me and finds me mostly attractive because of my personality not just because they find me attractive. I want a guy who is my firend as well as my boyfriend. A guy who I share some interest with and some differences. I don't know, maybe thats asking for to much or maybe I'll never know how that feels. Even though I've never been dumped, I still have felt heart break and heart ach. I still hurt. Well many people see me as a heartless bitch with no feelings, It's true there are some people who do see me as such. I may sometimes hide my hurt under bitching or cold hearness by yelling or shutting everyone out. I've shown my feeling before and they just got trampled on even more thatn they were. The fact is I do have a heart and I do have feeling and they can be trampled on, hurt or broken just like everyone else. This is the first and probabily the last time I will ever share the poetry  that I have written, I don't think It's that good. Some I wrote in 2000. Roses are DEAD, Violets are TOO, I hate YOU, Cuz thats U!!! Tears of my soul I promised myself I wouldn't cry but it's just so hard that it makes me want to die. To get away from this pain just leave with no goodbye I think I might be going insane. You have heard it before,I know but all that was was the psyco. Life is hard, and feeling shouldn't show we should hide them in a box and tie it with a bow so I'll try to stop stop the pain stop the tears show a bright face, while everything inside burns and          my soul terminates into                 nothingness.   Crystal Heart My heart crystalizes everytime you come near I feel it, stop and race at the same time My breath grows rapid and i sigh For It's you I want to give my crystal heart to ou I would die for. But what If you take my heart and run and leave me there to persih. It's a chance I have to take because If I don't give you my crystal heart It will shatter into a million pieces and i will die of heart ach,  heart break. If they suck please feel free to say so.     Current Mood: lonely Current Music: 2 songs of to which I don't know the name (Comment on this)
Monday, September 6th, 2004
9:06 pm	I was thinking of something today. Whenever my Sister or Brother used to come home drunk I was always taking care of them. Getting them water and head pills, a blanket and a bucket. I do know that each of them has spent a night in the middle of the bathroom door, couldn't make it all the way lol. I was always taking off their shoes even when there was puke on them. By the way Kari, yes it is a pic of a baby...lol. So yeah I'm going to attempt to put some pic in here don't know if it going to work or not but here goes. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
2:21 pm	I've got nothing I don't know, I guess today I'll just basically talk bout things that are on my mind. Even thought it was a week ago that I got back, DANCE CAMP WAS AWSOME and I MISS IT!!!! I got an e-mail from Paz yesterday and he wanted to have a reunion yay! I get to see everyone again! (A couple of people I'm not too excited about seeing...Bitches) I loved it there; I made some really good friends in only that short of time. Cara is my idol; she is so full of life, energy, and spunk. Her dances are awesome and she isn't afraid to be herself, Love ya Cara! Kelly and Miranda and. (crap I forgot her name, she was a special teacher who came in for one day) are awesome dancers too, there chorography is the BOMB and they are so nice too : ) I kind of knew Michael from Edgemont gym, he works there. He was kind of rude the first few times I went in there because he didn't know I was there for Dance lessons, but he is soo nice and sweet and he has a kick ass accent lol. Paz taught me so much about how to be myself and protect myself. I learned self-defence and how to let my voice be heard and ahh I really don't know how to explain it but he did help me find my voice and confidence that I had lost 2 years ago. I was always quite and shy but when I had finished grade nine and going into grade 10 I was beginning to gain a voice of my own, confidence, as well as self-esteem. But, I met someone that year (grade 10) that over time (medium time slot, I guess that how you would say it) I lost what I had gained, my voice, confidence and much self-esteem. After I disconnected interaction with that person I began to gain some of my self-esteem back but he was always there to bring it back down and make me feel like shit, that I was worthless to everyone except him (nice huh?). Little by little I have been gaining my voice, confidence and self-esteem back, even though every so often he would be there to take it away. It hasn't been just him taking it away thought; there have been others who contributed. It is now 2 years later; I'm going into grade 12. I still feel like I'm a worthless little shit sometime, other time someone convinces me that I am a nothing but... there is the odd time I feel like I am a someone, that I have a purpose on this earth and that I can do better then what I have been doing. As time goes on that feeling becomes more often and stronger, I am now able to walk with my head up, a smile on my face (sometimes), shoulders back and chest up (I'm not showing off my chest but when you but your shoulders back it kind of just happens lol). I have every one of my friends at dance camp, some friends here, and my family to thank for this feeling of worth. Sure I have my down days and up days but my down days are going down and my up days are going up lol. This is one of my favourite quotes I think of it all the time: "This life is worth living we can say, for it is what we make it." -Anonymous It's also nice to have friend who will listen to you and not at you. What the hell is the point of talking to someone who is listening at you??? A friend would want to listen to you and try to help, offer their opinion and support, not sympathy. The last thing we need in this world is fake or real sympathy from a family member or friend. My sister hates it when I puke (even though I was sick and couldn't help it). I puked in front of her and she got mad at me. I puked in front of my brother and he offered advice as to what I could do to stop my cough and puking. He had empathy for me because he had gone through the same illness as me. My sister has had illnesses where she puked but nothing close to what I had...It was horrible; I thought I would never get better. I guess that is all that I have on my mind sooo yeah hmmmmm. Yeah lol Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: "Black Betty" By Ram Jam (Comment on this)
Monday, August 30th, 2004
8:59 pm	Note to self and others Kari, Please read this whole thing without assumption or judgement. Talk to me before you judge what this all means ok. It's really really important! I fucking hate this. Why is it that they are brining this all up?? I don't even want to work tomorrow because I really don't feel good. I think I caught something at camp. Anyways, Jess is right I should surround myself with possitive, supporting people. She has become one of my best friends in a week than anyone has become thus far. (except Ally, She still is my best friend but it took up like 2 weeks or something to become best friends) I really need to talk to Kari and Kat, mostly Kari though, So if you guys could call or e-mail or somehow let me know when you are back from edmonton trip, really appreciate it. I really don't give two shits (not to sound rude or nothing so sorry if this does) what Kat and Kari think about who I find cute/attractive. I will be openly attracted to whome I want even though they don't think so. I won't bring up sed people to often but if asked who I think is cute or we are on that topic I will say I think so and so is cute even if you guys dissagree. Kari, I think who you have a crush on or like isn't that attractive, no offence to that person they are nice looking but just not attractive to me because(Kari I'll talk to you a bit more on why in private, why I think this so I can clear some things up.) their personality isn't tops. BUT, I fully support you on your own tatses, Kari, and you should like who you want to like and NEVER let anyone tell you what you prefrences in people are..I let it happen and I won't let it happen again. I also don't think you should let who you like come between friendships or even other friends.(again will talk to Kari a bit more on that in private, much much explaining to do to clear things up.) Here is some advice that I have decide to adopt and begin to follow, it might be helpful to others as well: 1)Sometimes you hurt other without knowing it and sometimes you know what your doing but you just don't care. 2)Udder selfishness is what destroys a persons good-natured soul. 3)We need to help ourselves without hurting others and help others without hurting ourselves. 4)Balance is the key to many things in life, not too much but not too little. 5)Let your imagination pour and never put a cork in you bottle of imagination because every one will miss the beautiful creative things that come out of it. 6)Commitment, always remeber that one word and act on it as well. 7)Don't be afraid to let you true voice and your true self to shine, you'll be suprized at the things you will find. :) I'm going to do some cleaning on my room, it's someting I said I would do today so I'm going to stick with my commiment. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Different songs running through my head (2 Comments |Comment on this)